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Arlina Allen 0:00
Well, Brooke, thanks so much for joining me today.
Brooke 2:59
Thanks for having me.
Arlina Allen 3:01
But it was like who has long term sobriety and would love to talk about 12 Step homework. Right? Like when I interviewed you on my podcast, uh, you are not afraid to say yeah, I identify as an alcoholic because that reminds me or maybe shouldn’t speak for you Why Why did you decide that it was okay to say that?
Brooke 3:23
Um, I think because from my very first meeting or my experiences with it, it was not so much a label although I guess it is but it was. I had recognized it as a disease prior to even I mean my grandfather died of it. So I had never really looked at it as I guess I look at it as an impairment but not like a weak you know, like I really do believe it’s a disease and I mean, we talked about it last time but I think that when I finally said it because I had said it so many times drinking like man God I’m like really an alcoholic I’m like becoming like a raging alcoholic and I would never say it aloud though to another human being and the minute that I tried to like cry out I mean, I was like sobbing I couldn’t really get it out but the relief that I instantly felt from saying that to a room like a table full of women was it was probably the most empowering it felt like all of this stuff just lifted instantly. So even though I had a lot of work ahead of me but it did and then from that moment on like I never you meet people when you’re new into a and this is the newcomer time of year it’s January you know New Year and everyone sort of comes in you know this time and Fourth of July I find to be like like this surplus of new people but um you know, there’s there’s something about people who you know, I’m a grateful recovering alcoholic or I’m a grateful I never believed that that was the truth until I started getting a few couple days, you know, here and there and then recognizing that it’s not a weakness to identify as an alcoholic. I mean, I also identify as a woman, and she her, you know, like, yeah, it’s the part I guess it’s just a part of me, maybe I look at things differently, or I think I probably was done putting up walls and blocking myself from healing. Honestly, I think I was just done with the bullshit. Like, there were no more excuses. And I probably could have kept myself out. Honestly, I would have been dead probably. But I could have kept going had a set in on all UK orders, or I should have a drink.
Arlina Allen 5:46
Right? You know? Well, when you came on my podcast and said that you identified as alcoholic, I was like, Oh, thank God, I don’t know, there was something very, because you and I both know that the online recovery community that there’s this huge backlash about identifying as an alcoholic, and some people see it as very negative. And I don’t want to put labels on myself. I think those are people who are still so have still struggling with guilt and shame so much that they can’t tolerate the word and identify with it, but it’s fine. Like, it doesn’t matter if you identify with a word or not. In my mind, it’s like whatever helps you stay sober. Like I’m for that, but I grew up old school 12 step. So I was happy to hear that. Oh, P there are still people out there who identify. And I was like, yeah,
Brooke 6:42
yeah. And I think like I just, if you’re not able to identify with the fact that you have an addiction to alcohol or an allergy, if you want to call, you know, however you want to spin it, to me just signifies that maybe you’re not really done, you know? Yeah. I mean, I’ll tell you today, like I have an addiction to sugar, and I just like keep saying this year, I’m gonna stop with the sugar, it’s the same thing I know. And until I start sharing it with other people, that, you know, I can’t, I don’t eat sugar, like normal people, I eat it like I drink. You know, it’s like non stop. I just can never, ever, ever, ever get enough. And that’s how my brain works. Because I have a disease and addiction is in there, you know, and it can be triggered by a lot of things,
Arlina Allen 7:31
right? So Well, listen, I am so glad that you and I are doing this, what we’re doing is a four part series, we’re going to break down three steps at a time. The disclaimer is that we are not representing any organized 12 STEP program, not we’re not trying to represent Alcoholics Anonymous, or NA or any other. We are not representatives. We’re just sharing our experience, strength and hope. What else we’re just sharing our opinions. That’s the other part of the disclaimer. Oh, and by the way, just because you do this whole four part series, we’re going to be talking about different kinds of homework, I’m going to be sharing the homework that I did, and the homework that I give out over the 12 steps since I was broke. So we’re just going to kind of learn to see how other people do it. But this is not a substitute for working the steps with a sponsor. And maybe we should talk a little bit about what a sponsor is. How to find one. How did you find your sponsor?
Brooke 8:35
Well, I guess I’m one of the lucky ones because I haven’t I’ve had the same sponsor, I’m coming up on 10 years and she’d been my sponsor since the get go through a relapse or two and everything. So she was at my first meeting. And honestly, I just felt drawn to her and she put her name in like start it. She’s like minds of one with the star. So first one and so I don’t know, it’s hard enough when you come into the 12 step program to like actually get the balls to call somebody. It’s
Arlina Allen 9:05
so scary you.
Brooke 9:07
And I had called her and she saw it. She was at my first meeting. And then she met me at my second meeting. And then my third meeting and it was like, I just kept talking to her until one day. She was like So are you got anything to ask me? Or I’m like, Wow, no, will you be my sponsor? I mean, I felt like I was literally asked Sadie Hawkins dance like I’m gonna get rejected. And will you be my sponsor, please? It’s like well, yes. Exactly. Where
Arlina Allen 9:41
you go out with me? Yeah, no, it’s a mine was I had a really interesting experience. I was I started going to meetings and I kept hearing people talk about, you know, people doing steps one, two, and three and then relapsing 123 Because like there’s this fear around the fourth step, and I’m not going to jump ahead I give you my whole opinion about the fourth step because I love it. I love it. But I was I was so terrified of drinking again, and I was willing to do anything that they told me to do. And before I got sober, I did not have good relationships with women. All my friends were male. I was always seeking external male validation anyway and met women were not safe for me. But then I got sober and they were like other women work with a women, which was terrifying to me. Because I had spent so much time and energy decorating the outside, I felt like I had nothing on the inside. And I knew that the women would see right through my bullshit, and I didn’t think I had anything to offer. But I was so desperate to be sober, that I was willing to ask a woman to sponsor me. And the way I chose my sponsor is, there was a woman who remembered my name. The second time she met me. Arlina is not an easy meme to remember. And she remembered my name, the second time she met me. And it was as if the clouds parted. And the sun rays were shining on her. And it was like, Oh, this is the one. And, you know, I asked her to be my sponsor, I said out, I said, Would you listen to my inventory? She giggled and she was like, you know, she said to me, though, she said, I would be honored. And I was like, like, I, you know, instantly cried, and she goes, but we’re gonna start with step one. I was like you, instantly. I was like, Really, we’re not off to a good start. But anyway, I was so grateful for her, she would set a date. And she’d be like, here’s your homework. And then we’ll meet, if you don’t do your homework, we’re not meeting, and I would do my homework, like the night before. Like she gave me a whole week. And then I wouldn’t do my homework to like the hour before supposed to meet with her. But I got it done. And I have since done the steps, more times than I can count. And the reason that I do that is because I had a sponsor sort of explain it to me that the way she did it, and this is how a sponsor works. In my opinion, they just take you through the steps. They’re not a bank, they’re not a taxi, they’re not a therapist, they said this is they say this is this, here’s your homework, we’re going to discuss it. And here’s what I do in different situations, like I would go to my sponsor being like, Oh, what do I do here? What do I do there? And she’d be like, I’m not going to give you advice. But I’ll tell you what I’ve done in a similar situation. So that’s sort of a disclaimer, auto sponsor isn’t how to find one, go to meetings, look for somebody who has what you want.
Brooke 12:42
Right? And I like to my sponsor has repeatedly from day one told me, and I’ve really stick to this, even with the people I sponsor, like, we’re all here, because we’re not all there. You know? We’re all here because we’re there. So you know, she’s not there, because she’s not giving me you know, advice and just take it with a grain of salt. It’s how she did it, how she walked through it. And if I want what she has, I can walk through the same process.
Arlina Allen 13:12
Yeah, that’s a very good point. She’s somebody who has what you want, and then do what they do, do what they do what they did. It’s simple cause and effect. And I’ll just tell you that your sponsor, no matter even if you have the very best sponsor, they will let you down. These are people who are struggling to stay sober themselves, or maybe not struggling, but, you know, like you said that, you know, we’re just all you know, we’re all there for a reason. Yeah. And service is a great way to build your self esteem and give back you got to give it away to keep it so. Yeah.
Brooke 13:50
It takes a minute, just for new sobriety, like part of my homework was it was boundaries, which we talked about, even in our episode last time, but like, my sponsor has a full time job. She’s got two kids, she’s got a home she’s got you know, there’s all these things and she’s not at my beck and call like that’s not the shenana 24 hour hotline, you know, and call me text me but let me know what you do, you know, leave a message and let me know and I will get back to you as soon as I honestly can get back to you and actually give my time to you. And I’ve always used that with people I sponsor like look, my life is crazy chaotic like with my kids and my husband and my parents and I said so. You know, just bear with me but when I call you back, I will always have like 20 minutes to talk like I will always call you back to listen to you and you can talk about something you know
Arlina Allen 14:43
what I do is I tell the women I sponsor I give them you know the pain scale like you know, when you give birth earlier they say of one to 1010 being the most pain I tell I tell the women I sponsor that a may not call you back right away, but if you’re in pain and you’re at a seven or above You better text me, and I will get back to you as soon as I possibly can. Otherwise, I think you’re just checking in or want to chit chat or whatever. But unless I really know that you want me to. And then the other thing is because I am also not a hotline, there is a hotline by the way, I’m not it. I asked the I asked, the women I sponsor to develop a support system, they need at least three or four other people on their, you know, support system list. So that if I’m going to be current with like four or five people, that way, if the shit hits the fan, they can go down a list of people and see if someone is free to talk. And the reason that I want them to be current is so that you don’t have to spend a lot of time on the backstory. But most importantly, is because if you don’t call regularly when you feel good, I guarantee 100% You will not want to call when you feel like shit. Oh, yeah, no, yeah. So you need to establish a habit of picking up the phone and calling so that when you feel shitty, you can?
Brooke 16:03
Well, yeah, and even almost a decade in and if I go like I go like silent. Spencer XV like, what’s going on? Cuz I mean, obviously, we’ve been to and we’ve worked together, she supported me for a very long time. But like I do, it’s very hard. Yeah, it’s very easy to share good news. And things are going good. And I’m doing everything that you asked me to do. Check, check, check. But when things are not going good, it is really hard for me even still to this day to like, pick up the phone and be like, and you want to know why it’s hard for me because I know she’s gonna give me an action step to like, follow up with it. And I know, and I know her so well at this point that like, I know what she’s going to tell me to do most of the time. And I’m like not, not doing it. Not ready.
Arlina Allen 16:53
Not ready. Okay, yeah, there’s a difference between not doing it and not ready.
Brooke 16:58
Well, yeah. I really am not ready, but I am ready, right? Like I should be doing it. And I know that it’s my old behavior that creeps up, which we’ll get into it for later steps by, you know, it just is a sponsor is I think the most important thing for one, two, and three in particular is finding, even if it’s a temporary sponsor, finding someone who really has sobriety not like me, I don’t, it doesn’t matter, I guess, if they’re a few steps ahead of you, and you really like jell with them. But there’s something to be said about people who have a year or more of sobriety, they’re doing it, they continue to do it. They’re committed to working the 12 steps they’ve committed, they mean their life is living the principles and all their affairs. They’re doing the program of A and that is someone you want to help guide you through. I’ve seen so many people come in and out because, you know, their friend got sober two months ago, and now they’re getting sober. And then the one friend goes in, it’s like just rotating in. You’re doing it for yourself. So pick someone who did it for themselves. So like themselves and is really in it.
Arlina Allen 18:09
Yeah, I would even go a step further to say not just somebody who’s been sober for a year, but has completed the steps and then sort of has the year beyond that under their belt. At least this? Yes. Yeah. And I’m doing a whole podcast episode on sober sponsor or sober mentor versus sober peer, right? Oh, yeah, sober peers, right. But we need sober mentors, as well. And these are people with long term sobriety. And I would say, I don’t know, how do you define long term sobriety?
Brooke 18:48
How do I define? Yeah,
Arlina Allen 18:50
it’s nowhere like long term. So Right. It’s nowhere in the literature, but in my mind, it’s like 10 years, five to 10 years?
Brooke 18:56
Well, I mean, I, I’d say 10 years, for sure. 10 years or more. I mean, and I look at, like the old timers, like I mean, my sponsors coming up on 25 years, my husband’s coming up on 25 years like I am when they say get with the herd, I’m err, quoting right now, like get with the herd, right. Like, it’s people who have done it for a long period of time.
Arlina Allen 19:21
Yeah, yeah. Long for young people who have had time to do the work themselves. Because this stuff, I mean, addiction, that the underlying causes for addiction and alcoholism run deep. And so you really need time to allow the stuff to come up so that you could process it to resolution. It takes a long time. And then it takes experiences, raising kids being in a relationship suffering through deaths, financial issues, health issues. I mean, there’s a lot so if you have somebody with long term sobriety, that’s us. That’s us. Ober mentor, somebody who’s been through some shit and who has done their own work. That’s, uh, but you absolutely need sober peers. But
Brooke 20:10
yeah, I mean, the sober peers are important too, because you, you’re going to you shake up your whole social life. When you quit drinking for a minute like you, it’s not boring. I hate to use that word even though that’s what everyone like equates with sobriety, but like so
Arlina Allen 20:28
not boring.
Brooke 20:31
And even even in the beginning, like because I found in here steps one, two and three are my favorite. Why? Because I have to work them every day almost almost every day. It’s something I implement into my day. And when I did, steps one, two, and three, when they finally accepted and did the third step, I just had so much serenity, and so much joy. You know, they call that pink cloud or whatever, like it was, everything was so euphoric. I know that, you know, it’s kept me It’s kept me around for this long because just repeating them I know that by accepting and doing 123123, like, I’m, I’m getting it right, if I just stick to those three steps, even if it’s for a longer period of time, then maybe need to do some inventories or whatever. But it’s definitely they’re my favorite. They make me connect to a higher power. When accepted, I have a problem in my life was unmanageable. So like, some easy, yeah.
Arlina Allen 21:40
Simple. Okay, so why don’t we get into it? What did you What did you do yourself for step one.
Brooke 21:47
So for myself, obviously, don’t drink my sponsor had things she wanted me to do. But first and foremost, to work with me here, don’t drink. Pick up the phone before you drink, which was a problem for me picking up the phone was a clear, still a clear problem for me. Um, but then, I think when we started getting into step one it was looking at were like, what had drinking done for me? And what had it given me? And was I admitting that I had a problem? Or accepting that I had a problem because there are two very different things. And when I first started sobriety, this journey, you know, of sobriety, I didn’t understand that they were two totally different things. I thought, like, Well, no, I’m telling you like, I’m an alcoholic, but saying it admitting it, accepting it in your heart like it is. They’re two totally different things. So she gave me some like, some worksheets, kind of, you know, list 10 reasons why you want to continue with a or you want to get sober like not why your life is catastrophic mess right now. Like why? What sobriety? You know, what will it give to you? And then there were, you know, she had me read, pick up the book, 12 and 12, which most people in our program recommend right here.
Arlina Allen 23:17
It’s a very old broken down. Oh,
Brooke 23:20
yeah, yeah. And steps and 12 traditions of tradition. Sorry, I always forget people that I know,
Arlina Allen 23:26
well, and talk to
Brooke 23:29
and read the first step while we were on the first step. And then also reading three pages a night of the Alcoholics Anonymous Blue Book, and that was reading, reading the other steps and writing down and journaling. I had to journal every day for 10 minutes. In the beginning, because I was a journal as a kid and stuff that I’d really gotten away from it. And she said, just I just want you to write what comes to mind doesn’t have to be anything deep or anything, but let’s so that we can look over it 3060 90 days and kind of go through like where you can pick up on your own kind of patterns, you know, yeah. Which was helpful. But there’s some sheets to it like hazelden.org I think or Hazelden. Netcom like the their big recovery centers and books, they publish all the books and they actually have like, first step worksheets. Second step, third step four steps so she had to like down. Yeah, she had me download like a bunch of those. So
Arlina Allen 24:37
that’s awesome. I will tell you for step one, so yeah, also, you know, don’t go to meetings, and then don’t drink in between meetings was a big one. But my sponsor had me look up the dictionary definition of powerlessness, and unmanageability and then she said to write down examples of both and my life. So, you know, when I wrote the definition of powerlessness was like, I was unable to not drink, you know, or I was, you know, powerless. I was powerless not to drink. I was powerless over how I behaved once I started drinking. Like once I put alcohol in my body, I was powerless to predict what was going to happen next. Because some crazy shit would happen when I drink. Like, yeah, for sure. It’s crazy. Oh, my I would sometimes wake up the next morning and be like, What was that all about? Why was I so angry? What What was that about? Like I had like this alter ego I was either had to alter egos three actually, to alter egos when I was drinking it was either badass Betsy or wimpy Wendy cuz I was either fighting or cry. And then I realized like, a year ago, two years ago, I go, You know what, I had a third alter, Alter Ego seletti Karen, which came out every time I drank Oh, my God. My tagline in the rooms is, if it wasn’t a bottle of bag or blue jeans, I was doing it.
Brooke 26:16
Yeah. But first of all, I actually want to get a shirt made for that.
Arlina Allen 26:22
It’s genius, isn’t it? You know what’s so funny is? So I’ve been saying that in the Bay Area for like, 20 years long time. And this lady got up and she said it but she didn’t say it. Exactly the way I said it. About half the room turned and looked at me. She didn’t even give him credit, as well. That’s okay. Okay, and her forever. It was so funny. But it was I was anyway, it’s the whole thing I have, I have a very strong ego still, apparently. Okay, so the powerlessness is around losing the ability to choose for me. And the unmanageability is what happens once I start drinking. Like, my, my relationships become unmanageable, my decision making process is skewed. I’m damaging the one thing that is controlling my entire life. Right, I’m damaging my brain. And my brain is responsible for making decisions about what I’m going to do and who with and how much and, and so I’m going to, and I was big pot smoker, too. So I was doing want to draw a smoking a lot of weed. So it’s like I’m damaging the one thing that is supposed to be managing my life, and I’m compromised. So of course my life is unmanageable. So but it was so interesting to read all these different examples of both because then you see it black and white, you’re like, well, and then you get a bigger list. And then then you share it, like a big part of the homework is sharing it with your sponsor. And sorry, would share with her all this stuff. And you know, bless her heart, she would be like, Yeah, me too. Me too. I totally get it. Of course, of course she did those things. He didn’t have any other coping skills. She met my shame and embarrassment with compassion and understanding. And it was so such a relief to talk to somebody who really understood what it was like to behave badly even though you didn’t want to like that’s not I would be like, that’s not the real me. I had a sense that that wasn’t real me. But I was I was well interesting
Brooke 28:37
is Dax Shepard actually just saw tic tac with him. You know, he’s sober and he is from love him. He’s from around where I live in Michigan. And so he’s like a big human cusabo But he was talking about how when you go into a 12 step program, and you know, you’re talking you’re so ashamed and you’re so broken from the shame and then you’re saying these things that you’ve done expecting people to be like,
Arlina Allen 29:08
get clutching their pearls.
Brooke 29:11
And instead your mat with faces going, huh? Yep, done it Ben there got it like, and that is where the power comes in. Because the shame can sort of start to melt away because you know, that, that your brain right your brain is the decision maker is making decisions based off of the powerlessness because you’ve had one one is one is too many. And there’s never enough you know, for me, and I fully believe that the if I were to have a sip accidentally of alcohol, it would spike. I mean, the powerlessness it’s there, it’s waiting. It’s never going away.
Arlina Allen 29:54
Do you know that happened to me one time. And where was i i was in Las Vegas on a I’m on a corporate trip. And I had been successfully ordering drinks, club soda and cranberry juice all night. And then someone handed me a drink. And I was like feeling safe. And I took a gulp. And I was like, instant panic. And I was with a girl who wasn’t drinking at the time. And I like I seriously like shorted out. I was like, Oh my God, oh, my God. And she kept going, Okay,
Brooke 30:30
you’re right. You’re okay. It’s all right.
Arlina Allen 30:32
She was like, Oh, my God. What can shorted out? I was so terrified. And I obviously I called my sponsor and was like, oh my god, this is Jenna. She’s like, What did you mean to? And I was like, No, she’s like, it’s not you’re gonna be okay. And Leon, that was terrible fear. I was like, 19 years sober at the time.
Brooke 30:54
Yeah, it’s terrifying. And then you feel like I had a friend that accidentally did that. So it’s like, one of my big phobias is sipping something accidentally, but like, and she’s like, I’m telling you, I just felt the heat going down. And she’s like, and if so, and she’s like, and then I was like, No, you know, like, she’s like, it, like, pulled out the instant, you know, I guess bloody Sarah or whoever was still in there. Maybe. He didn’t drink anymore, but she was like, It terrified her. So there’s one or two ways that probably could go that scenario. Yeah, keep going or like be terrified and short. You know, whatever word. I mean, I think it is like, Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What did I do? Like I didn’t know and it just becomes like a, I would short out completely, like, completely.
Arlina Allen 31:49
I was like a robot. My head was on till I was like, Oh my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was terrified. I actually didn’t feel I think maybe I was so afraid. I didn’t feel the the burning and going down and I didn’t feel the I didn’t I was just so like.
Brooke 32:11
Yeah, yeah. And yeah,
Arlina Allen 32:13
but you know what? I have had to have surgery a couple of times. And when you know, when they like I had a concussion one time and they she, the nurse put a line in me and she had the plunger in her hand. She goes this echo. What is that? She goes, it’s Dilaudid it’s what heroin users use initials. shisha, and I go oh, ah, like, but that was a legit thing. And
Brooke 32:42
yeah, well, legit. Things are a different situation. My husband has passed. He’s like very proud of himself for passing kidney stones. I’m a recovering alcoholic. Do not give me any Medicaid. Like
Arlina Allen 32:52
he’s very did it with no medication. Yeah,
Brooke 32:55
he’s very and I’m like, and then there’s me like, no, please leave whatever like a surgery and I went
Arlina Allen 33:05
I just had LASIK done. I don’t know if you add on no glasses. I had LASIK done and they gave me a couple of value. And I really don’t remember a whole lot that they just asked. It took 12 minutes and then my husband took me home and put me to bed and so I didn’t wasn’t like experiencing any. Yeah, fun.
Brooke 33:24
No. And I’m not a downer type person to begin with. I drink out. I’ll even though it’s a depressant so that I could be crazy and wild and alert majority of
Arlina Allen 33:34
awake kinda. Isn’t that funny? Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about that. What did you do for step two?
Brooke 33:42
So step two, oh, wait really quickly. So I relapsed a little bit at the beginning of my timeframe. And the last time that I my last drink Date January 22. Of 2012. My sponsor said, are you ready to do all Are you ready to get sober and commit, you know, to this program and do anything that it takes to get sober? And I said yes. And then I had to say my last drink date at the meetings. And I still to this day, you know, my name is Brooke I’m an alcoholic took really strange January 22 2012. Like it’s just ingrained in me to say it because she’s like, if you’re done, you’re done, and it’s not going to matter. And then it may be embarrassing now, but that’s you no one else is sitting there fixating on it, you know? No,
Arlina Allen 34:33
right. That’s how I think about people in the program. Right? Like nobody cares. We’re all thinking about ourselves. Like no one’s thinking about you. We’re all
Brooke 34:41
Yeah, and I don’t know there was something about it that I’ve clearly I still use it as my it’s not a tagline. It’s just my intro, but like, because it instantly takes me back to my last drink. And even all these years later, after I say, especially when I’m sitting in a first step table with a newcomer like I’m Like, I still remember Yeah. What it’s like to be this person in front of me. You know, anybody
Arlina Allen 35:07
in your community say their name in there? No,
Brooke 35:12
no, no, their drink date. No, no. I mean, my sponsor does. And I do. Yeah. There’s a couple. I mean, there’s a couple that that do, but for the most part,
Arlina Allen 35:22
yeah, I’ve heard people out here do I’m in Idaho people here do it, too.
Brooke 35:27
Yeah, I just do it. Because it’s, she told me to if you want to be sober, and you’re committed and you’re working with me, you’re saying your last drink date when you sit at a table.
Arlina Allen 35:35
It’s funny how everybody started has like different. And that’s why we’re doing this right? Because there’s even within a structured program like a 12 step program, there’s still mental
Brooke 35:46
state just be I go to Florida a lot for my parents. They have a kind of Florida and when I go to meetings, they’re they’re so different for meetings here. It’s like, like, night and
Arlina Allen 35:56
day. how different they are. Yeah, so fine.
Brooke 36:00
Um, but the second step, you know, came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. I don’t know. I guess I struggled not with power greater than myself. But the like, Am I insane? My crazy my crazy because I drink. I don’t think that I like need that. I’m insane. Um, yeah, clearly, the drinking was making me insane. I mean, I could tell you, you know, when I was not drinking the first month, I like thought people were I was pacing. I mean, I just crazy, crazy anxiety while detoxing and stuff, it was nuts. But step two, I was told is from my sponsor, it’s, you know, about hope about letting go of, like letting go of yourself and finding an inspiration. Which, at the time, I’ve never been an atheist, I’ve never not believed in a god or higher power. But you know, my sister died when I was 13. So I definitely had some jilted ex experiences with God, I guess you could say, um, and so, you know, you have hope, because you can’t control the compulsion to drink, right? But you, you can have hope that recovery is possible by coming to these meetings and seeing people here, you’re seeing that recovery is possible for lots of people. And if it’s possible for them, it’s possible for you, and then obviously, letting go of yourself is kicking your ego to the side and allowing your because I just My ego is still an issue. I mean, I still struggle with it. You know, and it’s just allow yourself to be guided by something greater than you. And then obviously find your inspiration because she was and my sponsor believes in God and she always has but she said, you know, it doesn’t have to be God, it can be any power. So for the first year ish of my sobriety, I mean, I used my sister as an angel, like a guardian angel that I used as like my higher power to like, get me to believe because I had trouble with God but I could believe that I could feel the power of my like my sister around me, I’ve always like felt the energy around me so I was able to it made sense to me to find inspiration in something greater than myself that I could move into that direction and it helped guide me into you know, a God of my understanding today, um, which was one of the things I loved about AIA to begin with because people want to call their you know, God God Squad or whatever but honestly, God God of your understanding, and before coming into AV only the only higher power I had was like a vodka bottle or wine and honestly, it was empty as soon as it was empty. There was nothing in life to fill any fill me fill anything, you know, and so to be able to shift like, I don’t like my my powerlessness, my helplessness in some of the scenarios, situations and compulsions and stuff like that. Being able to believe in a higher power that actually I am connected to, it helped me you know,
Arlina Allen 39:30
that’s awesome. So my, my sponsor had me write a list of Okay, number one, I was astounded that I could make up my own God. She was like, make a list of positive and negatives that you believe about higher your higher power and so it was like two columns. And I handed her the list and she tore it in half and handed me the good side. So It was things like, Excuse me, it was things like all knowing all loving, powerful, compassionate, fun, magical. You know, Cat Loves me just all that stuff, right? And so she just like, okay, here you go and work out, this will be the base. And just work off of this because I grew up in the church. And so my concept of a higher power God all that was like, very judgmental, and this way is the only way and it’s so funny to me because I know, it’s very peculiar to me how people in 12 Step treat 12 step like a religion, it’s not a religion, and that’s why, you know, people on the outside go, oh, it’s like a cult. Well, I understand why they say that. Because sometimes people in 12 Step communities can get a little religious about it’s not a religion, just FYI. Yeah, no. But yeah, so I had to read step two, and the 12 and 12. She and I actually read it together. And then she had me read, which she and I also read out of the big book together. But you know, what she had me do, she had me go to big book study groups, because she was like, you know, are busy, she had a life. And she was like, I’m not going to read the book to you. But in the beginning, we did read together. And we did. But she recommended a big book study. So for people that have a life and kids and work and blah, blah, blah. Let’s, let’s not get it twisted, though. When you stop drinking, you got a lot of free time on your hands. Right? So let’s not get Don’t be like, Oh, I’m too busy to go to meetings. It’s like, how much time did you waste drinking, if you’re drinking, you would have spent five or six hours minimum drinking, you would have lost that time. So it doesn’t take but two hours out of your day, let’s say and I’m giving you travel time, it takes you half an hour to get to a meeting, you get to a meeting, and then you got to travel home or you know, UPS after a meeting. So let’s just say takes two hours out of your day realistically, yeah, not a big deal, you have a lot of free time now that you’re not drinking. So that’s what I and so by having a very clear, it had to be something that I truly believed in. And so I just built off that because I needed to have something that I strongly believed in to turn my will in my life over to. Right and so, and that was sort of my segue to step three was having a really solid. And so I’ve heard God defined his group of drunks. Dogs spelled backwards is God. No, great outdoors. A lot of people think of Mother Nature, or the physical laws of the universe. Like if you’re into quantum physics and all that spiritual laws of the universe, that’s a higher power greater than yourself that you can believe in and you don’t have to understand it. 100% in order to take step three, but you have to have a little something something. What was your experience of step three, what homework did you have to do?
Brooke 43:18
Step three was really like, plumbing. So I done step two, I’d been able to find the higher power to sort of turn things over to and let things go. But like, really, I had to learn how to let go of the need for control, you know, that I that I was trying to cling to, because I’m never in control, right? Like ever. It’s just for me to feel like I’m in control. And then like having, yeah, and openness and listening, you know, just sitting being still and like listening and even if that’s in silence, you know, like what, putting faith in a higher power and city being able to sit still and be open to the fact that it’s around me and present and then just having the realization is the third part, you know, of, as I was able to let go of, like guilt and anger and self hatred, you know, I realized I still do to this day, but like that the addiction in the stuff that I did did doesn’t define me. And step three is a way for me to actively, you know, turn my will over into the care of God as I understand him, and release me and my shortcomings and show other people. I’m kind of like trying to paraphrase the third set prayer. But have you know,
Arlina Allen 44:47
do you want me to read it?
Brooke 44:48
Yeah, yeah.
Arlina Allen 44:50
I actually haven’t memorized but you know, if I’m put on the spot and have to recite I know, it’s just
Brooke 44:56
I only got like, third line in and I’m like, I’m gonna need to find it.
Arlina Allen 44:59
Yeah. myself to be to build with me and to me as well. Okay, really? Yeah, I love the third step prayer.
Brooke 45:09
I do, too. The first time I read, I was sobbing like, Oh, yeah. You know, the bondage is a real eye opener for me. You know,
Arlina Allen 45:21
my sponsor took me to this outdoor mall. I was in California it was I don’t even remember what it was. But we she took me to an hour and I did like a step. Was it a step a week, a step a month. They get to like a step a week at first because I was so desperate to, like, get into it. But anyway, so she took me to an outdoor mall, and there was a fountain there, and she had me step into the fountain. I was like, you are going to help get me arrested. But anyway, nobody cared. We stepped into the fountain. She had me. She goes, Okay, now put your cup your hands, put your hands under the water. And I did. She told me to do. She goes, Okay, now make it go the other way. I looked at her like she had 10 heads. I was like, what? And she’s like, she’s like, that’s a power greater than yourself. It’s something and it was such a visceral experience. Out of all, yeah, that I was like, Oh my God, that’s she’s right. Like, if you take a seed and put it in someone’s hand, it’s like, Okay, go ahead and grow a lemon tree. It’s like, what? I can’t Well, that’s a power. You know, it’s like, the great outdoors, right? That’s a power anyway. Greater than yourself. Yeah, then myself. And actually, step three was really sharing with her my concept of a higher power and being willing to pray in the morning, please, God help keep me sober on my knees. And then at the end of the day, saying thank you for keeping me sober and starting that practice of surrender and gratitudes are like bookending the day with surrender and gratitude. Prefer? Yeah, and obviously reading through it, step three in the 12 and 12. But then, we, we were outside, I think it would have been easier to be naked outside than to sit down and pray. I’m pretty sure this actually happened. hazy, it’s a little hazy. But um, she had me hold hands and like we were we went to like this little corner of the outdoor mall, we sat down, like crisscross applesauce, and we held hands, and she had me say the prayer, and I was like, mortified, but I was like, so desperate to be sober. I did everything she told me to do just about. Yeah, but anyway, I said the prayer and it was God, I offer myself to thee to build with me, and do with me as thou wilt relieve me of the bondage of self, that I made better do thy will take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power thy love and they way of life me I do thy will always. And yeah, I grew up in the church so so I was like, all good with it. I was like, born again in a yes, nicely
Brooke 48:03
through me, you know, but I she was like, paraphrase at how you want just keep it you know, like that you need to endings you know, like you’re doing, you know, God’s will, whatever, however you want to word it, but that is a powerful.
Arlina Allen 48:16
I love that prayer.
Brooke 48:17
It’s a powerful prayer and one that I have like, it’s like a heart. It’s like a plastic but it’s laminate kinda little wallet size card of the third set prayer that has been in our in every car that I’ve had since the day I got sober in my visor, like up above. And then when I am really struggling, I like will grab it because I like some tangible things sometimes. So it’s like a tangible, I can hold on to it and say it and and pray with that there. And it’s just something that has always resonated with me, because I don’t think that until I read that prayer, that honestly, I don’t think that I was the one that was bandaging myself, like, I was blaming everyone else and everything else in every circumstance outside of myself. And it wasn’t until I read that prayer that I was like, I’m like the one doing this to myself. And it was an I was new into writing and it wasn’t like I was under a month myself in the first three steps. So like, it was this really eye opening thing for me and it just felt like oh, like the light came on. It was like a whole different viewpoint of the third step in the program of A and then we went to a church actually I met her at the Chapel. And I also would have preferred to be naked in public then to walk into the chapel and like get on my knees with her and pray and she wanted me to book end my day. And you know a lot of people in a did you get on your knees and finally I said, I can’t hear did I get on my knees one more time because all I’m thinking is that you want me giving had to something and I’m like not able to focus on what it is that you want me to focus on. So she’s like, then lay down, lay down, put your hands together what you do. But did you pray today? You know?
Arlina Allen 50:17
Yeah, man, that must be a well maybe it’s not just a woman thing. I don’t even want to go there. But I know a lot of women who are very resistant to getting on your knees and praying.
Brooke 50:27
I mean, each shift that we do you get on your knees, it’s like, I can’t come from a relationship. Well, you know, where someone was like, that I just did. I can’t have it. You know what I mean? Like it
Arlina Allen 50:38
just he just did that. For those listening. She just did the push the hand on the top of the head sign note for the boys don’t fucking do that shit.
Brooke 50:47
Do that. Do that forever. And then when women actually get married, it’s like, there’s a whole block there.
Arlina Allen 50:58
There’s a whole block. Yeah. But yeah,
Brooke 51:00
so I but I really once I started praying, and so I to this day, and if Jen listens to this episode, she can message you and will confirm it. But I really do struggle turning things over, I think really does. People that like I am climbing, whatever it is that I’m letting go. My hands will be bleeding before
Arlina Allen 51:22
I haven’t. I let it go. I have an explanation for that. Do you want to hear it? Yeah, it is because and this is like on the in the vein of compat self compassion. Those of us who grew up with benign neglect childhood trauma, we learn that we have to be self sufficient to survive. It’s a survival coping skill. self sufficiency is a survival. It’s a dysfunctional survival. So it doesn’t translate into a healthy adult life, right? Because we become overly self sufficient. Right? And that’s part of that that’s a big part of the problem. Right? We become, but it’s born out of trauma. And so we don’t, I don’t like the idea of beating Oh, I’m, I’m i Everything I let go of head scratch my, of course, it had scratch claw marks on it. Right? Because we’re letting go of a coping skill that was born out of survival. And so we don’t deserve to be condemned for that. We just, we need a little compassion be like it’s okay. You’re safe. You can let go of that. It’s okay. And you don’t have to be hard on yourself. Because you had a hard time letting go. It’s just like, Oh, look at me Hold on on a shirt again. Oh, look at me being self sufficient. Trying to isolate by one and paying
Brooke 52:48
you per self sufficient is really helpful for me. I still I mean, isolating is its own thing. But she had told me my sponsor. And it was I don’t know, because it’s like how you with the water. Like, I just need tangible examples of how to do things sometimes. And she’s like, when you’re praying, and you get in a spot where you are just defeated and you want, you’re ready and you can’t she’s like, just, I don’t care if you’re throwing just throw whatever the problem is to your higher power. She’s like, you’ll look like a lunatic. But you’re gonna feel so much better just energetically like literally getting up and giving it over. So that’s I mean, when I struggled today like I’m like, bro but it is just helps me to like release the energy and feel like I’m actually letting go. It’s not just a metaphor here. You know, somatic
Arlina Allen 53:51
experience. Yes. Yeah, exactly. I’ve had people suggest me that I journal about the thing you know, you write either write an angry letter to somebody and then burn it. And that’s the act of release or taking the paper crumpling it all up angrily or shredding it or whatever, and just tossing that shit in the garbage.
Brooke 54:15
Yeah, so I really need your wreck for when I get sober. Like do you guys have those where you are like where you go? You pay an hour to just fuck shit up over the rage room outrage.
Arlina Allen 54:28
You know what I do? I rage clean.
Brooke 54:32
Clean. I wish I read clean.
Arlina Allen 54:34
It’s the only time it’s either that or when people come over. Guests come over. It’s like a time. No, I’m not a slob. But yeah, I like the idea of the visceral. It’s a very somatic thing to do. Right is Yeah, yeah.
Brooke 54:49
I mean, there’s like, letting it kind of Yeah, I like and so my homework really was just to pray and to bookend the day and there were some questions that she had, you know, Like, why are you? Why are you holding on so tight to whatever it is that you’re holding on to? And after all this babble answering writing a novella like a tele Spanish telenovela. Like, I’m like, This is so ridiculous. It’s like eight pages, why don’t let go? Okay, well, and yeah, and it was just a bunch of babble of like me looking at this going. This is fucking stupid. Why? Because I didn’t know what I was trying to hold on to, honestly, you know, like I had no, really, I didn’t even know who I was like, childhood trauma, I was definitely stuck in a space. And then you add, like, abuse and physical abuse and narcissistic abuse from my first husband. And like, it was I was a, me I was a fucking mess. And when I have sponsees, come to me, because here, here’s the thing that I would like to set as a disclaimer that when you ask someone to sponsor you, you’re going to think that they’re full of shit that you are going to do more for them than they will ever do for you. And I’m here to tell you, that every single woman that I’ve sponsored, has given me so much more just by sharing with me and trusting me and allowing me to be a part of their journey. And it truly, like helps me stay sober. And, yeah, I just, I think that it’s so important to, you know, when you’re, when you come in, a lot of us are lost. I didn’t know who I was. And sometimes I get some sponsors who I’m like, I call my sponsor, and I’m like, I can’t, I just can’t, I just can’t let like, if you and I were talking about it the other day, like I’m like, I just can’t deal with another person who doesn’t want to do what they say they want to do like Jay can’t. And my sponsor will be like, Oh, well, do I need to remind you of your first couple months of phone calls me and I’m like Nuff said, you know, like, because you like forget. Yeah. How kind of in the throes of it I was, but I didn’t know what I was controlling. And I sure as hell didn’t know why I was wanting to hold on to everything. And for the record, anyone even not me, it’s just so much easier to turn it over to something not yourself. Like it makes life so much more.
Arlina Allen 57:29
Yeah, it’s just, yeah, it’s like, it’s hard to receive when your fist is close. You know, it’s, it’s like, relax. Open up, open minded, willing, honest, open minded, willing, right. That’s the hell. Yeah, I love that. By the way. I’m so so glad you mentioned your genius that sponsorship does more for the sponsor. I think that’s such a common, it’s like, oh, I’m going to be a burden to this person. Yeah, maybe a little bit. Let’s be real. Yeah. But the matter is, it’s like, I feel the same as you that the, you know, the people that allow me to be of service are helping me develop my self esteem. They’re helping me share what I’ve learned so that, you know, no matter they say that no matter how far down the scale, you have gone, you’ll find how your experience can benefit somebody else. It makes me feel like all everything that I went through wasn’t for nothing. It gave purpose and meaning to my pain and suffering. And it showed me that I’m uniquely qualified to help somebody else. Right, because we’re, you know, we’re peers where, you know, we do this thing together where, you know, mentors but also peers because we’re all we find a new normal in in the rooms, right? So Yeah, most definitely. Yeah. When you share your worst thing, you’re pretty good. Yeah. You’re like few I’m not alone. This is my new normal. And these are my people. These are people who get my kind of crazy.
Brooke 59:00
Yeah, these are the people that are part of my tribe.
Arlina Allen 59:03
Yes. Well, listen, that’s an amazing part one, thank you so much for this was
Brooke 59:09
really going on live right. We’re giving
Arlina Allen 59:13
when are we doing? Tuesday, Tuesday today? Okay, so today is the first I’m going to work to get this published today. And then on Tuesday, we will go live follow me on Instagram at Arlina Allen Arlina is ar l i n a Arlina Allen on Instagram and follow Brooke at Brooke Collins coaching that your Instagram so we’ll go live on Instagram. I’ll post a little something something we’ll both post a little something something about when and whatever.
Brooke 59:49
Yeah. And also like that way when we have people listening to the episode, you know, send in your questions or things that you maybe are resistant against what we
Arlina Allen 59:59
are I would also love to hear what people do for these steps because like you said, you mentioned how like you go to Florida and they they do different there you and I have just, you know, demonstrated how everybody does a difference. So I would love to hear what people offer their sponsees for steps one, two and three, and what they did what they do for their sponsees I would love to hear all that. So any questions? If you want to email me questions, you can email me at Arlina at odacc chat.com. And oh, that is od@chat.com I did not think that through and I named my podcast initially. That’s why I changed the name of my podcast. I wrote out podcasts. The one day at a time podcast God I don’t even know the name of my own podcast. Anyways, I was amazing. Thank you so much.
Brooke 1:00:56
Amazing. Well, this air before January 6, when will the air Thursday?
Arlina Allen 1:01:00
I’m gonna try to I’m just gonna try it out today. Okay, all right. We’re shooting from the hip.
Brooke 1:01:08
Yeah, looking at us winging it. We’re renegades. We
Arlina Allen 1:01:12
are we are? Well listen, you got 10 years of sobriety I got 27 years of sobriety we know are talking about so it’s okay to shoot from the hip a little bit. We’ve done this twice. This is true
Brooke 1:01:22
once or twice around. Thanks for having me. I can’t wait to snip into like four or five and six because that’s where that was. My thing is for sure. So excited to step into that next next episode that was transferred.
Arlina Allen 1:01:37
Alright, love. Thank you so much.
One last thing before you go. If you enjoy the podcast today, please don’t forget to subscribe on iTunes or Stitcher and leave a review. And if you’d like to make a donation to the podcast and help me keep the lights on, you can do so by visiting odacc chat.com. There’s a donation button or membership button on the right hand side. Have a great day. Thank you so much for joining us.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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