What if the thing that happened to you was never your fault, but healing from it was still entirely your job?
That’s the question at the center of my conversation with Tracy Viola, author of Pretty Wrecked: Confessions of a Teen Addict. Tracy got sober at 19, over 30 years ago, after a childhood shaped by her parents’ divorce, an abusive stepfather, and a father lost his own alcoholism. Today she’s a counseling psychologist, an author, and a sought-after speaker for teenagers and parents on addiction and sexual assault prevention.
The Trash Can That Doesn’t Empty Itself
Tracy describes addiction using an image that’s stuck with me since we recorded: drugs and alcohol as a lid on a trash can full of everything she didn’t want to see, smell, or feel. Sobriety didn’t take the trash away. It just meant she finally had to sort through it. As she told me, “When I am uncomfortable, I know the real work is happening.” That reframe changes everything about how you relate to hard days.
Fault Versus Responsibility
One of the most powerful ideas Tracy shared is the distinction she now teaches teenagers: what happens to you is not your fault, but how you respond to it is your responsibility. She used it to finally make peace with her father before he died, understanding that expecting him to love her the way she needed was, in her words, like teaching a five-year-old trigonometry. He simply didn’t have the capacity.
The Red Zone
Tracy was sexually assaulted during her first semester of college, three months before she got sober. She now teaches teenagers about what researchers call the red zone, the first semester of freshman year, when roughly half of all college sexual assaults occur. Instead of a flat no, she offers her own kids a yellow light: a pause to ask whether a decision moves them closer to or further from what they actually want.
You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.
Tracy’s story is a reminder that recovery isn’t a straight line, and that the people who seem the most put together are often the ones who’ve done the deepest work in the dark. If you’re in the thick of your own trash can right now, know that the discomfort really can be the sign that something is changing.
Action Items
- Practice the NERD mantra: pause and ask what the “next right decision” is, not the perfect one.
- Separate fault from responsibility in one relationship that still feels unresolved.
- Choose one healthy pressure-release valve for hard weeks, like movement, reading, or time outside.
- If you’re a parent, try the “yellow light” language instead of a flat no with your teenager.
- Find one way to be of service this week, even something small.
- Reach out to someone in early recovery today and let them borrow your experience.
Resources Mentioned
- Pretty Wrecked: Confessions of a Teen Addict by Tracy Viola
- Tracy Viola’s website: tracyviolaauthor.com
- The Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)
- Al-Anon’s “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, you can’t cure it”
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Transcript:
Tracy – Pretty Wrecked
​[00:00:00]
Arlina Allen: Are we recording? It just said one for the longest time.
Tracy: It says recording on mine. We’re eight seconds in.
Arlina Allen: Ah, Tracy, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining me
Tracy: Thank you for having me, Arlina
Arlina Allen: Yeah. Listen, the title of your book, Pretty Wrecked: Confessions of a Teen Addict, um, struck me like lightning. I was like, “Wow, that could have been my story.” And after reading, your, your book, uh, congratulations. Job well done
Tracy: Thank you so much. It, it felt good for whatever reason, writing it and getting it out, so
Arlina Allen: Yeah.
Tracy: year-
Arlina Allen: uh, that
Tracy: years after the fact. Mm-hmm
Arlina Allen: uh, 2024
Tracy: Yes, April 2024
Arlina Allen: Nice. How has the feedback been
Tracy: Really good. Uh, I’ve been so pleased with… Well, I love reading the reviews, of course, and [00:01:00] so that makes me feel wonderful reading them on Amazon and Goodreads. Uh, people seem to love the audiobook.
Arlina Allen: Did you
Tracy: for whatever reason, yes, they did, so I recorded the audiobook, so it’s me. And in fact, it was funny ’cause there were a couple scenes during the audiobook that the, the person that was recording was like, “Uh, I just, I need you to read that again.
This time maybe, like, not crying so hard.”
Arlina Allen: Oh, really?
Tracy: well, because, you know, it’s just very, it was very emotional to be me reading me and kind of re-experiencing some things. But so people, uh, the audiobook seems to be doing really well, which is, um, which is wonderful. I’m just grateful that the word is getting out there
Arlina Allen: Yeah. have to ask, what were the st- we’re, we’re gonna … I have a lightning round, but I have to ask, what were the stories that made you cry?
Tracy: Um, oof. Probably w- uh, without giving too many spoilers, but probably, um, writing about the loss of my dog. Uh, really, really like a [00:02:00] real hitting bottom moment. Um, the loss of my dog and my grandfather, and that kind of re-experiencing that deep brokenness a- and being really back in that moment was, uh, uh, me- my husband, uh, just kept bringing me bowls and bowls of potato chips.
I, I jokingly like to say that potato chips are my drink of choice, um, because like, uh, exactly, it’s a potato chip. It’s okay. But he would just like, so I was just like,
Arlina Allen: Yeah.
Tracy: potato chips during that story. And then writing about, um, I was sexually assaulted, so writing about the assault was very emotional, and, um, my friend from college, Ashley, and not being able to find her, just that loss of that friendship has been sad
Arlina Allen: Yeah. Yeah, the loss of friendship is always brutal, ’cause I think if, if, especially with, like, women friendships, you think you’re gonna friends forever, and when those relationships end, it’s, it’s a, it’s a death of sorts
Tracy: Mm-hmm. Yeah[00:03:00]
It is, and I, I really have tried to find her. In fact, a, a joke my friend Kelly mentioned was, uh, we need to start, um, #findAshley, like because I’ve really gone to all sources. Uh, um, I have not checked the obituaries, which is… I guess I just am not doing. Uh, yeah, I’m avoiding it, consciously avoiding it, so.
Uh, but I would love to reconnect with her and see how she is
Arlina Allen: Oh my goodness. Yeah, well, okay, we’ll have to dig into that a little more. do start with a little game called the lightning
Tracy: Okay.
Arlina Allen: which is actually
Tracy: Mm-hmm.
Arlina Allen: slow, so don’t panic. I’ll give you time to respond. but I do like to front load the episode with resources, right? So the podcast is largely about providing resources so that people can change. Um, when you first got sober, so this was over 30 years ago now, were there
Tracy: Mm-hmm.
Arlina Allen: books that really helped you early on?
Tracy: Well, uh, the Big [00:04:00] Book.
Arlina Allen: Yeah.
Tracy: will say I’m a child of the, um, 12 steps, and so, I mean, it’s 30 years ago. Oh my gosh, like, right? How do you, how do you think back 30 years? So really all, any of the books and pamphlets that were provided to me for my 12-step program. For me, I found I had Women AA, so it worked for me.
Um, so I would say those were the main ones. That, and it wasn’t a book, but it was, um, a lot of ’90s movies, just s- staying in and going to meetings and watching movies. In fact, I own a, a plethora of movie quotes because I just, I didn’t know how to be out in the world without alcohol or drugs. And so I just stayed at home and watched movies when I wasn’t working.
So I think ’90s movies helped to save me as well
Arlina Allen: Yeah. Listen, it’s a sufficient substitute, as they say.
Tracy: Yes. It, it, I still love them. It’s still, like, nos- very nostalgic for me
Arlina Allen: Yeah, for sure. What was your favorite [00:05:00] ’90s movie?
Tracy: Oh my goodness. I mean, anything stupid, like with like, um, Adam Sandler or like, you know, movies like Tommy Boy, just like the kind of slapstick stupid comedy, which so- some hold up and some do not. I have rewatched some of them and I’m like, “Ooh, that’s rough.” But you know, uh, we just watched Something About Mary with our daughters the other day.
That was so funny to see their reactions, ’cause you just don’t make movies like Something About Mary anymore today. That’s not, uh, PC. It wouldn’t get, it wouldn’t get produced. And so watching their faces in the movie was amazing
Arlina Allen: That was like, I remember laughing out loud to that one for sure. Yeah, that’s
Tracy: Yeah.
Arlina Allen: Um,
Tracy: But I would say, but to answer your question, I… So go ahead
Arlina Allen: Oh, no, go ahead
Tracy: I was gonna say I feel bad, um, thinking about resources. Uh, you know, I was trying to think, like, what did I… I mean, again, I was 19 years old, uh, going to a lot of meetings. But I would even say it’s less books that were resources and [00:06:00] more people.
Uh, listening to people that had gone me before, what worked for them, what didn’t work for them, and taking that wisdom was hugely important and helpful, and helped guide me in the direction I wanted to go
Arlina Allen: That is so interesting. Yeah, there’s something about people’s stories, their transformation stories. I mean, that is something that, you know, churches do. They call it, like, a testimony. Um, but it’s like this, um, order, uh, thing that we do as a culture ha- for, you know, millennia, is passing on stories, and I think people really resonate with the stories of transformation.
Tracy: Mm-hmm. ‘Cause, I mean, we’re all hurting from something. No- nobody’s getting out of this unscathed. So it’s nice when you… A- and you can always relate to something. You can always relate to whether, you know, it doesn’t matter whether it was like a money issue, a relationship issue, a [00:07:00] substance issue, a whatever it is, you can always relate to a feeling and how that person dealt with it
Arlina Allen: Yeah. Yeah, everybody is recovering from something, for sure. N- yeah,
Tracy: Mm-hmm
Arlina Allen: had, I, I remember when I had my first son, I was so worried. I was, you know, talking to a friend of mine, I was like, “Oh, I’m so worried I’m gonna mess him up.” And she’s like, “Arlina, nobody es- escapes childhood without some issues,” right?
It’s
Tracy: Mm-hmm.
Arlina Allen: we do on the other side that, that really matters, so
Tracy: Agreed
Arlina Allen: that. Um, so you’ve been sober for decades now, and, you know, in the rooms, as they say, we, there’s always, like, these little cliches and things. Has there been, like, a mantra, a cliche, a quote that has been, like, a reoccurring theme in your recovery?
Tracy: Definitely. Uh, and it’s actually something that I talk about when I speak with adults and teenagers. I love talking to teenagers and high schoolers. And I think it’s applicable to, again, anything and anyone, and that’s make the [00:08:00] next right decision.
Arlina Allen: Mm-hmm.
Tracy: It really, I always say, you know, it’s simple, it’s not easy
Arlina Allen: Right.
Tracy: But make the next right decision.
And I call it, the, the phrase that I give is I call it being a nerd, N-E-R-D. So, so next, N-E, right decision. So be a nerd
Arlina Allen: I love that. You know what’s interesting about that idea of making the next right decision is that it requires you to be in the present moment,
Tracy: Yep.
Arlina Allen: it requires you
Tracy: aware
Arlina Allen: Yeah, and aware, and to tune in to sort of like your internal compass.
Tracy: Mm-hmm.
Arlina Allen: Yeah.
Tracy: It’s, and it’s, it again, it’s, it’s a simple concept. It’s not an easy concept to practice
Arlina Allen: Right. Yeah. But we are so re-reactionary. But with practice
Tracy: Exact- and real- I, honestly, it’s all practice, right?
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: stop. I mean, you’ve been in the rooms for longer than I have, and it’s, [00:09:00] there’s always practice to be done. I’m not cured. I’m not perfect. I still have trash in my trash can, you know, that exists, or things that happen is like the metaphor that I use.
So it’s, it’s about practice, and I just feel lucky that I’ve been given the tools to recognize it and then actively practice change
Arlina Allen: You know what’s funny? I always think of it like exercise. Like, everybody gets it, that you could go to the gym every day for a year and get into good shape, but if you stop going, your body kind of defaults back to factory setting
Tracy: It’s a perfect analogy. Yes, that’s exactly right
Arlina Allen: that, I feel like that’s why sobriety is a practice, because we are, like, hardwired. Like, literally, like, our neurology, the survival circuits that are developed in childhood, we repurpose them in adulthood. And so we have to be very conscious about what we let in and the thoughts and actions. Um, but yeah, I, to me, that’s kinda why [00:10:00] it makes sense that… I think there is this expectation that if you’ve been sober for a long time, that, like, expect it of ourselves, right? Like, “I should know better by now.”
Tracy: Mm-hmm. No. Yeah, I mean, you, you, you do… It, it gets, it gets better. It gets
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: easier to recognize those things, but you’re not perfect. I, I’ll speak for myself. I’m not perfect in any means, and I make mistakes and say the wrong thing. And, and the nice thing is when I do that, I can take a step back, ’cause I have a clear mind, right?
Clear conscience, clear mind, and I can say, “Oh, you know what? That was not the way I wanted to phrase that. I apologize. Let me try again
Arlina Allen: Yeah. I love that. I love the practice of, like, the 10th step, you know, the daily inventory, daily self-reflection exercises, and, and meeting those shortcomings with, like, grace and compassion and self-love, and yeah. That, that’s
Tracy: Agreed
Arlina Allen: I feel like that, [00:11:00] those are things that lead to longevity, long-term sobriety
Tracy: It really does. It, it, you know, it’s doing those things one day at a time. You know, people, I don’t know if they probably ask you the same thing, but like, “Oh my gosh,” like, “How did you get there?” And it’s like, one day at a time. You know, just like you, just like you.
Arlina Allen: I remember sitting in a meeting one day and some guy, he, he had the most sobriety in the room, and he was like 14 years sober, and he said, “The way to get 14 years sober is to stay sober for 14 years.” And I was like, “I hate you.” That’s
Tracy: Yeah. It’s, I know, but it’s true. And I think that people, for lack of a better word, want like the easy way out, right? They want like, “Well, maybe I can find more information that will make this more s- c- comfortable for me or faster for me,” right? Like, w- not, not everything arrives in 48 hours. [00:12:00] 30 years did not arrive in 48 hours like Amazon, you know?
So it’s, and it’s not. It’s like I almost feel like a muscle, to use your exercise analogy, it’s when I am uncomfortable, I know the real work is happening
Arlina Allen: Yeah. Do you find that being able to lean into the discomfort has helped you evolve over the last 30 years?
Tracy: Oh, definitely. You know, I, I mean, you were also very young when, you know, you found recovery. And I always say it’s like a gift. Like, I was basically given, like, a book of how to human at 19 years old. Like, that’s amazing.
Arlina Allen: is so young
Tracy: That’s ama- Yeah, well, it was that or death, so
Arlina Allen: Right
Tracy: Like, really, it was, like, served up to me like, “You are going to die, or you can, you need to stop what you’re doing and change everything.”
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: And I’m grateful that things … I, I, I suppose I, I don’t know if I’m grateful things got bad enough, [00:13:00] but that was necessary for me to choose the change everything
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: And I, I guess I’m lucky that it started so early that I got used to that muscle of discomfort, and I just work it.
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: Just work the muscle.
It’s practice
Arlina Allen: Yeah. And I feel like it becomes second nature after a while. Like, I don’t really even think about it. I just kind of do the things
Tracy: Exactly. Yeah, it’s, it is. You, you do the things and, and then when you don’t do the things, I don’t know if you experience this, I’m, like, very aware of, like, that weight of like, “Oh, like, I should not have done that. I should not have said that,” or, you know, like I’m just … Sometimes being fully aware all the time sucks.
Arlina Allen: It’s a little exhausting at times.
Tracy: It, it can be. It really can be. And so I always say, like, you know, I was like tw- I wanna say like 24 years sober during COVID, and I’m telling you, that was one of, one of some of the hardest [00:14:00] six months of my entire recovery. It was … Well, I also had two young kids in the house, right? We were, like, homeschooling them because everything was moved remotely, and everybody around me was just downing wine.
I don’t know if that was your experience.
Arlina Allen: I was
Tracy: And
Arlina Allen: so
Tracy: oh my goodness.
Arlina Allen: was, my husband, you know what I mean? We were, we were isolated, so I didn’t see anybody drinking or
Tracy: so and we, we have a wonderful neighborhood, and I love them, and I’m, and I’m not judging them for drinking wine like everybody else did during COVID, but it was just really hard to, like, be home with these two young kids. Everybody’s just drinking wine around you, and you’re just fully aware of what’s happening every minute.
Like, there was no
Arlina Allen: Hmm
Tracy: off switch. There was no numbing. There… It was just constant reality. And I remember being like, “I need to figure out a way to kind of release this pressure valve.” And that is where I learned about potato chips [00:15:00] and, and hot bathtubs and smutty books.
Arlina Allen: Oh,
Tracy: So
Arlina Allen: I’m, listen, I’m a spicy book girl myself. I’ve- I’m obsessed with all the spicy books on TikTok, but that’s a whole nother we might have to do another podcast
Tracy: do a whole other podcast on that. But, but really, like, and it just was like, how do I, like, what, what do I need for me? Like, and those things, I still love those things to this day, is, you know, hot bathtub
Arlina Allen: joking about sort of like some of the non-healthy coping mechanisms, but what other healthy mechanisms did you have to deploy during that time?
Tracy: In early recovery, it was, I exercised a lot. I started running again, and I would run and run and run and run, which felt wonderful for, you know, my endorphins and also just getting healthy again. Um, I remember in the beginning it was really hard because I had– my lungs were coated in resin, you know, so you’re like coughing up, like
Arlina Allen: Were you a pot
Tracy: coughing up.
Um, that was like my [00:16:00] favorite.
Arlina Allen: Oh my God, me too
Tracy: Like definitely by far. Like, I mean, I found my home in AA, but like I was way more of an NA girl, if you get my drift.
Arlina Allen: Okay
Tracy: if, if we, if we like a-averaged out the percentages of, of drug versus alcohol use, it’s, it’s m-much heavier on the drug side. Uh, but yeah, so I’m like coughing up, you know, all this resin.
But running was huge for me and exercise and community. Like I really just being around other people in recovery and getting early to the meeting and staying late after the meeting, being of service. And to this day, I’m a huge service person. I’ve tried to instill in my children, find a cause that you’re passionate about and like lean in.
Arlina Allen: Mm-hmm.
Tracy: You know, it, it just, it, it– of course it helps whatever the cause is, but like it’s just– I think it’s just, um, a beautiful thing as a human to be of service in whatever it is you’re passionate about
Arlina Allen: I always tell people, like, if you’re coming in and [00:17:00] just newly sober, you probably don’t have very good self-esteem, and service is like, talk about a sobriety hack. Like, get into service ’cause it’s hard to feel bad about yourself when you look into the eyes of gratitude. Like, if someone’s grateful for the service that you do, it does help you to feel… It’s an esteemable act
Tracy: Absolutely. Absolutely. And I, I just think it’s, um, the, the way that I put it, whether it’s exercise, recovery, being of service, working hard, whatever it is, you know, I say feeling good feels good. And when, when you feel good and that feels good, you’re like, “I want more of this.” And, and hopefully that kind of snowballs and becomes a natural part of your life
Arlina Allen: Yeah, I love that. Um, I told you this lightning round would be slow.
Tracy: Yeah.
Arlina Allen: What, um… Do you have a regular self-care practice? Like, whether it’s, like, a morning routine, do you do, do a set of weekly meetings? Do you go to retreats [00:18:00] annually? Like, what does that look like for you?
Tracy: Uh, I’d say exercise at least six days a week. I’m very, uh, heavy weights. I love li- I love weightlifting. I mean, I do a lot of cardio too, but weightlifting is, like, my favorite thing. There’s something about lifting heavy weights and feeling powerful that just, as a 50-year-old woman, feels really good. And, uh, so I exercise regularly, but I’m very good about listening to myself.
If my body or my brain is very much like, “Not today,” that’s a day off. That’s okay. You know, I don’t… I’m not gonna kick my ass if I don’t want to or need to every day. Um, I would say, um, I love reading. As I said, I read either every morning or every night, just as, like, that’s my, uh, I’m awake but, like, time out moment to just sit and read a book, whether it’s nonfiction or fiction.
Just, it’s my… I love to read outside in the sun. Um, what other? I go to meetings, [00:19:00] but more as I feel like I need to. So I could end up going to three in a week or, like, three in a month. It’s really what my schedule allows and when I feel drawn, but I still am actively involved in meetings. Um, just got the number of a new person the other day that someone was like, “Hey, I’d really like you to talk to this new person.”
And so, like, I texted her, and I was like, “Hey, I’m here to…” So, you know, again, being of service. Um, so I’d say those are, like, you know, my… Oh, and I love getting rid of things. That’s actually a self-care practice for me.
Arlina Allen: Getting rid of things. I love it
Tracy: I do. I don’t, I don’t like things. I don’t like stuff in my life. I like to keep it simple.
So
Arlina Allen: do you have
Tracy: it’s, yeah
Arlina Allen: practice?
Tracy: I’m very, I, I’m trying to think, Mother Nature, like Earth Mother. I’m a big environmentalist. I’m on my township environmental advisory council. I pass, um, law, like environmental and sustainability law, [00:20:00] um, in, I help to pass that in my township. So I’m very, you know, speak to the trees kind of person, watch the wind, and that for me is just this kind of spirituality of we’re all just kind of small things in this big world, you know, helping each other out.
Kind of like t- the roots of trees, like so r- trees speak to each other underground. Their root systems help each other out, and I always like to think of myself as, how are my roots, right? What, how healthy are my roots, and how am I able to spread that out and help other people or other things around me?
So that I would say is my spiritual practice.
Arlina Allen: That’s so interesting. Over the years, you know, I’ve been doing this for, like, 12 years now, and this podcast for 10, but it’s so interesting when I ask people what they do for fun. Like, 90% of the people talk about being outside. Like, that’s where they feel connected. It’s where they feel grounded. It’s like the experience of energy or [00:21:00] spirituality, however you may experience that.
So that makes a lot of sense to me
Tracy: I’m so glad to hear that other people feel that way because sometimes I feel like I’m like, kind of like a little hippie-ish, but I really am like genuinely like a tree hugger.
Arlina Allen: Uh, yeah, no, I love that. Yeah, that’s really good. Um, so, uh, I, I alway- I like to ask this of people, and listen, I know you got sober a long time ago, but looking back, is there o- is there one thing you wish you would’ve known earlier in recovery?
Tracy: You know, they say the phrase, “Don’t quit before the miracle happens.” And so you just kinda keep doing it, and you keep showing up and doing the best you can. I had no idea how magical my life was gonna turn out. One day at a time, doing the work. This did not happen, you know, because I just sat there. Like, I did the work.
I felt the [00:22:00] things. I dug through my trash can. But, but I’m just, I’m very grateful, like, looking back at, and at where I am now, um, at just how amazing things did turn out. And some of it might be luck, you know, but, like meeting my husband, and he’s like, he, I, I call him the normal, right? Like, he does not have a problem with alcohol or drugs.
In fact, he’s not normal. He’s, like, annoyingly perfect. Like, sometimes I’m like, you know, like, “Oh, okay, Mr. Perfect.” But I’m very lucky. So, um, but he’s a great dad, and, like, being able to raise our– We have two daughters, and raise them in the mindset of recovery, right? It has been, and those, those, all these amazing lessons that I’ve been able to teach them about self-esteem and service and admitting your wrongs, right?
Like, not keeping a record of wrongs. Like, admit your wrongs and then, like, discuss and move on. It’s, it’s been [00:23:00] really, I guess, I guess I’m, I’m glad that I, I know what it’s like on the other side
Arlina Allen: Yeah. Yeah. It w- wouldn’t it have been nice to know in the beginning that everything was gonna turn out okay? Even better than okay
Tracy: Completely. ‘Cause I think you’re doing it, I mean, for me and my situation was I was genuinely doing it because it was like you’re literally going to die. And so I did it and, and I, and I, once I did it and once I really dove in, you know, like, like all in, I’m like, “I’m doing this,” I mean, things already did start to improve, and I felt better, and I was exercising, and I was making new friends and all of that.
But, like, I still did not– This was not the plan for my life, right? Like, when you’re growing up, like, and you see a certain adult version of yourself, like, this was not it. So it was, I’m so grateful now looking back that, like, this is way better than the version I had in my head
Arlina Allen: Yeah, I love that. I, I would have to agree. Same. [00:24:00] Yeah, that’s great. Let’s talk a little bit about kinda how we got here, and I’m always so curious about family of origin ’cause I feel like whatever happens in childhood kinda sets the stage for adulthood. So what was the, what was your family like growing up?
Tracy: Uh, so my father, my m- mother and father got divorced when I was six, and my father was an active alcoholic. He died an alcoholic. Um, really fun person, not a great dad. Everybody’s good friend, not a great father type of thing. And after my parents got divorced when I was six, we did not have a lot of, uh, uh, interaction, not, not a very close relationship.
Uh, my mother remarried when I was 12 to my stepfather, who really ended up basically being like a con artist. He ended up being, um, a very sneaky, deceitful, scary, uh, just violent man. And so yes, he was very, um, [00:25:00] ver– like more, it was almost more verbally and like threateningly violent. I mean, occasionally physically, but more the threat of violence, especially when you’re 12, 13, 14, 15, is, you know, this big guy.
Like, you, you don’t know. You know, now being able to look back as a, you know, with my, I’m a counseling psychologist and I understand science, like my little brain was like at 12 years old, half developed. I mean, I didn’t know. You just trusted adults, and you’re taking all this in, and that’s the beautiful thing about a young brain is it’s a sponge for good, but it’s also a sponge for bad when you’re exposed to that trauma.
And, um, he really did, like, he really did a number on me, um, between the ages of 12 to 16, and it got scary enough with him that my mom left him suddenly. Like literally, like I went off to school on a Tuesday and came home and the whole house was packed up. So that was a– that’s actually one of [00:26:00] those things where it’s like a huge trauma that I’m actually still…
It’s like a piece in my trash, in my trash can that I’m, it, it kind of constantly comes up for me is like kind of losing everything, like losing my home, losing all my belongings at 16. We moved in with my grandparents, and I thought we were only gonna be there for a short period of time, and we ended up living with them for like two years.
So all of my stuff was kind of like in a box in a storage area. And that’s when I started drinking and turning to drugs, was after that sudden move. It was like within a month of that at 16 that I was like, “This feels like crap. All this trash in the trash can feels awful.” And so the, the metaphor I use is like the drugs and alcohol put a lid on the trash can.
Arlina Allen: Mm.
Tracy: have to see it. I didn’t have to feel it. I didn’t have to smell it. And you know, I just wanted to keep that lid on the trash can for as long as I could
Arlina Allen: That sounds like, um, you know, you lived in a state of hypervigilance, [00:27:00] know, starting at a really young age at, like, 12, right? 12 to 16. So four years of constant fear, um, a threat of violence, so you’re hypervigilant. Y- your little pr- your little self was probably in a constant state of, um, like, uh, whatever the opposite of safety is, right?
You had no safety. Um, did you… I don’t know if you felt abandoned by your birth father
Tracy: Y- yes. I mean, at the time I didn’t really know what those words were. Now looking back, of course, yes. Uh, I mean, he just stopped seeing me. Or, and I remember one time him calling, and I was talking to him on the phone, and I didn’t hang up the phone, and I heard my mom talking to him, and she was like, “You need to come see her more.
You need to like call her more.” And then every time after that, if he called, I was like, “Oh, he’s calling ’cause my, my mom called him to…” You know? So then you felt like it was all fake anyway. Like, he was only doing it ’cause my mom made him.[00:28:00]
Arlina Allen: Right. Yeah
Tracy: mean, I’m, I’m very lucky, fast-forward, I’m very lucky that my dad and I got to a place, a really lovely place of acceptance and understanding, more from my side of the street, but that’s the only side you can control.
Arlina Allen: Right.
Tracy: so before he died. So it’s really– It, it was very hard growing up. It definitely shaped my relationships with men
Arlina Allen: 嗯。
Tracy: and what relationships should or should not look like, and I was able to really come to a place of peace with him before he died
Arlina Allen: What sort of men were you attracting from that? Because I, I would imagine, like, from that place, y- you know, not feeling good enough, not feeling worthy, we might shoot our sights a little bit low. It could go either way, right? Either you go super high or you kinda settle. Like, where did you land in all that?
Tracy: Well, I’d say for my addiction, I was choosing men that I could get drugs and alcohol from, right? Like [00:29:00] to be completely honest. I didn’t, I didn’t really care. I just was like, “What are you gonna do for me?” You know? Like, what can I, what can I get from you?
Arlina Allen: Mm.
Tracy: Who can you introduce me to? What, what are you gonna be willing to give me for free or get me or whatever?
So I was just a true addict through and through, right? Me, me, me, me, me, me. So those were the men I chose during my addiction. And then when I got sober, uh, you know, it’s funny ’cause, you know, just because you get sober doesn’t mean you make every good decision, right? I mean,
Arlina Allen: Usually it takes a while
Tracy: kissed a few frogs, you know. Um, but a lot of them were probably men that I could fix, right?
Trying to fix that father situation. Like, something’s wrong with them. If I can heal them, then I can heal me
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: of situation. And, um, definitely dated some duds, and definitely dated some nice people, but they were not going to be my forever person. [00:30:00] And, uh, I remember, I guess I was like 25 or so, and I went to a psychoanalyst and I said to him, “I really, I need to work on this father issue because, uh, you know, uh, this is not gonna work out for me.
I’m not gonna be able to pick the right person unless I really truly, like, dig through this piece of trash and move on.”
Arlina Allen: really wise
Tracy: And it wa- I was very lucky. I think the quote that I said to him was, he was like, “Well, I’m expensive.” And I said, “Yeah, but you’re cheaper than a divorce lawyer
Arlina Allen: At 25.
Tracy: And I like knew like that was the way it was gonna happen. So I just was like,
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: let’s do this.” And then it was shortly after I’d really kind of finished up that, uh, therapy, if you will, and really came to that beautiful place of understanding with my father that I met my husband. And I was like, “Oh, is this what a healthy man looks like?
That’s so interesting.”
Arlina Allen: That is so interesting. What was it about that [00:31:00] healing process that allowed you to make peace with your past experience? Was it, like, empathy towards your dad? Was it, like, the realization it wasn’t your fault? Or what was it for you?
Tracy: You said it’s real- it was really both. So I understood that my father was not taught how to love. I, I kind of knew my grandparents, and after I dug in more, I really realized that having my father love me the way I deserve to be loved is like treating– is like, uh, teaching a five-year-old trigonometry.
They’re just not, they’re not gonna get it, right? The just, the, the brain power, the understanding, the layers of understanding is just not there. And so once I really accepted that and realized he doesn’t know how to do this, I need to forgive him that he doesn’t know. And then also, I’d had enough recovery at that point.
What was it? About eight years of recovery or so, seven years, uh, of recovery that I was able to [00:32:00] understand that, uh, you know, I can’t control him, right? He’s, he’s got his own drinking problem, and it’s not my… Uh, you know, what do they say in, in Al-Anon, right? “You didn’t cause it,
Arlina Allen: Can’t
Tracy: you can’t cure it. Can’t control it, you can- you can’t cure it.”
Yes, exactly. It’s these. So along empathy, along with the understanding that I can control my side of the street and my reaction to him, uh, was huge. And then to your point is that idea of, you know, fault versus responsibility. I actually talk about this, um, a lot when I’m talking to teenagers and adults, but I talk to them about the things that happen to you, especially when you’re a teenager and you’re living with your parents and all these things that happen to you that aren’t your fault, right?
They’re not your fault. And I, I feel that, and I am so sorry. They are your responsibility in terms of how you choose to react.
Arlina Allen: 100%.
Tracy: I talk a lot about [00:33:00] fault versus responsibility. And so once I fully got that with my father, it was like, how do I wanna react? How do I want this relationship to feel and look for me, regardless of his reaction, regardless of his input?
And that’s how I was able to get to a, a place of, like, peace and understanding
Arlina Allen: That’s really beautiful. I, I often tell people, you know, if you have a, um, a problem with relationships, you know, it’s a reflection of what we believe we deserve, right? There’s that saying, you know, allow into our lives what we, we believe we deserve on that subconscious level. So it does take some time and some therapy to really get to those causes and conditions to be able to self- to examine that.
Tracy: Mm-hmm.
Arlina Allen: you know, it sounds like you were able to make that transformation, and it’s amazing what happens when that gets healed. Then we attract the very thing that is healthy for us
Tracy: That’s exactly right. And so it really did [00:34:00] happen not long after I feel like I really got to that place where like, you know, you could just take that deep breath, you know, and like the shoulders relaxed with my dad, and I was like, “I’m okay with this. Like, I really am okay.” And then I met my husband, and it was a very quick courting, and it was like we knew right away, so.
Arlina Allen: love that. And how long have
Tracy: Mm-hmm. 21 years.
Arlina Allen: Oh, that’s
Tracy: Yeah. Yeah, I knew on the third date, uh, which I never was like a love at first sight person. I am, I am not that sentimental, trust me. Um, but I knew on the third date. We dated for eight months. We got en- engaged in eight months, married eight months after that, and it’ll be 21 years
Arlina Allen: That’s amazing. That’s beautiful. And you have two, two lovely
Tracy: Two daughters, yeah, two teenagers. Yeah, 18 and 14, so two, two teenage girls
Arlina Allen: Okay, you’re in the thick of it. 14
Tracy: and they’re, they’re really
Arlina Allen: love, and mind
Tracy: We’ve been really lucky. They’re really nice. Um, the [00:35:00] older one, the 18-year-old one, is just like the sunshine of the house, and she’s going to college in the fall, and it’s going to be like a deep loss for our home.
Like, she’s just lovely. Um, and our 14-year-old, she is just a pistol. She’s a lot like me. Um, she’s, she is, I’m trying to think of the best example from like the rooms. Like, she is like the honest straight shooter. She’s the honest friend. She’s like, yeah, she’s not in it to make you comfortable or dance for you.
Like, she is who she is, and I, and I love it. And then there’s also times I’m like, “Okay, take it down a notch, girl,” you know?
Arlina Allen: Learn a little bit of temperance. Yeah.
Tracy: Exactly
Arlina Allen: with a little bit of kindness and compassion. I love people who are direct ’cause you always know where you stand with them. They’re
Tracy: Mm-hmm
Arlina Allen: But like, uh, learned this idea of, like, the truth teller. I was the truth teller in my family. I would call people out.
Tracy: Okay.
Arlina Allen: I was not afraid, and still to this day, you know, I’m not afraid to make people uncomfortable. But [00:36:00] when I give a compliment, they know I mean it. Do you know what I mean? Like, when you have something positive to say, it holds more weight ’cause they know that you’ll be honest
Tracy: Absolutely. Absolutely. And everybody needs that honest friend.
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: need the friend that will just listen. You know, you kind of need the hand-holding friend, and you need the, “Sure, I’ll meet you out for some…” What, what does, what does my older daughter call it? Like, um, retail therapy friend. But you also need the honest friend that’s gonna like be like, “Get your shit together.”
You know, kinda. You know, like, just, “Hey, I don’t know if you noticed, this is not working for you.” You know, and, and tell it to you straight. So it sounds like we’re the honest friends.
Arlina Allen: learned to ask. Like, if someone comes to me with something, I have learned to ask, “Did you need me to just listen? Do you want feedback? How may I be of service?”
Tracy: Oh, see, then you’re ahead of me. I’m just like, if you came to me, then you know what you gonna get. You know? Like, you’re gonna get it, so
Arlina Allen: The only reason I knew that is because I had a sponsor who used to do that for me, and I was gobsmacked. I was like, “I have a choice?” Like, y- [00:37:00] what? I was, I was shocked. But so I thought that was such a baller move that I was like
Tracy: is. It’s, I should probably start to practice it, as they say.
Arlina Allen: or share that with, share it with your daughter.
Tracy: Yeah. Exactly
Arlina Allen: heartache. Anyways, um, so how old were you when you first started using? Do you remember your first time?
Tracy: Yeah, so I was probably, like, I’d say 15 when I started to kinda, like, smoke cigarettes and steal, like, a little bit of alcohol from, like, the, you know, from the house and try this and try that. But it was really, like, right, v- very quickly right after I turned 16 and we left my home, and we lost, we lost the house to leave my stepfather, to get out of the house.
And, um, conveniently, I’d also started to hang around with people that had access and were using, um, you know, mostly weed, you know, other substances as well, but there was a lot of alcohol and weed around at all times. And, you know, I always say it’s kinda like that [00:38:00] biopsychosocial model of addiction, right?
Like, I had the biological component. My father was an alcoholic. His mom was an alcoholic. It’s just r- it’s just in our blood. It is what it is. I, so definitely had the alcohol component. I had the psychological component of all this crap that had just, you know, happened to me, you know. The, my parents’ divorce, my stepfather’s abuse, leaving our home, so I had the psychological unease
Arlina Allen: Yeah. Do you
Tracy: that’s, like, a nice way to put it.
Trauma, exactly. And then I had the social component where I had access, right? I saw people using. I saw people using successfully and happily, and it was there. Um, you know, one of the things when I talk to high school students is I say, um, “If you hang out with a bunch of swimmers, you’re going to jump in the pool.
You’re going to jump in the pool.” You might not have yet, but, like, if that’s what you’re… You know, so I’m always like, “Just choose who you want to be around carefully,” you know? Um, n- no judgment. I jumped in the pool, that’s [00:39:00] for sure. But you just need to be aware if you’re hanging out with swimmers, you’re jumping in the pool
Arlina Allen: I’m hearing, it’s interesting you talk to a lot, um, teens a lot, and I’m wondering, I hear that, uh, drinking is declining pretty significantly among young people. Are you finding that to be true as well?
Tracy: I am. I’m finding that drinking is reduced. Um, gummies are increased a little bit, you know, using, um, like weed gummies. Yes, exactly. N- not like dramatically, but the drinking is definitely reduced because there’s this health movement, right? You know, people going to like SoulCycle or yoga or walks with friends.
Like truly, I mean, it’s like so healthy. I’m like, “Oh my gosh, I’m so jealous. I was not that person.” Uh, so they know that they can’t be hungover if they’re going to a 9:00 AM SoulCycle friend– like class with their friends. There’s a lot less
Arlina Allen: a little jealous that teens can afford to go to SoulCycle classes.
Tracy: Oh, tell me about it.
Arlina Allen: Aren’t they like…
Tracy: So my daughter,
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: daughter actually [00:40:00] got a job at, um, a barre, like B-A-R-R-E, a barre workout facility.
Arlina Allen: sure
Tracy: exactly, so she can, like, take classes for free. She was like, “If I get a job there, not only am I getting paid and, uh, but I can actually get free classes.” So it worked out great for her, so she’s smart, ’cause w- you know, we pick and choose what we will and will not pay for.
Arlina Allen: Yeah.
Tracy: And she, she knows she has to, like, work for other things that she wants, which is a good lesson in life. D- just not gonna get everything handed to you. Um, but, um, so what was I talking about before we went off on the barre
Arlina Allen: uh,
Tracy: tangent?
Arlina Allen: teens
Tracy: shit, yes.
Arlina Allen: so much
Tracy: I would also say, um, peer pressure is down.
Arlina Allen: Mm-hmm.
Tracy: So whereas in my day, right, the ’90s, early ’90s to mid-’90s, I do feel like peer pressure was a very real thing.
Um, I was probably part of it.
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: according to my kids, it’s more like if you wanna do it, do it. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter. It’s, it’s not as much pressure to, you know, go to the party and, [00:41:00] and drink if you don’t want to
Arlina Allen: I feel like the pressure is social justice oriented. Like, the younger people are very much, they’re very, they’re very highly moral and have ideas, and I, I feel like the s- so the pressure is actually probably a little more positive than it used to be
Tracy: Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, I, I agree. And I think, uh, maybe it’s not being directly, uh, in their feeds, right, in their social media feeds, but I think we’re learning more and more that alcohol is actually really not good for you, not even a little bit, right? So I think the health… Exactly, and I think that the, the health aspects of it are coming across as well.
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: So yeah, I do see less. It, it still exists, and so what I do is I come at it more from, like, a safety standpoint and, like, an awareness and moderation and choosing safe, uh, places, right? I never say no. The, the, uh, the metaphor that I use with teenagers is yellow light. So I say, [00:42:00] “I’m not saying yes, because it’s illegal and not good for you and all of the reasons, you know.
So I can’t tell you to do it.” I’m also not gonna say no, because no makes things really sexy, right? Like, if you told me no at 16, that’s the first thing I’m gonna do.
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: So I say just yellow light. I’m just asking for a pause. I’m just asking for a moment of, is this decision going to bring me closer to what I want or my hopes or my dreams?
Is this a safe decision, or is this gonna pull me further away? And so I just say to them, “Just take a pause and yellow light.” And they seem to get that, that kind of language. And I give them a choice, right? You give them information, and then you give them a choice, and most of the time they make the right choice
Arlina Allen: Yeah, I feel like the ones who don’t make the right choice are probably saddled with some kind of trauma and need additional information. So the issue of safety is really interesting. Um, can we talk a little bit about, you know, you had some instances in college, uh, due to w- may or may not have been [00:43:00] related, the way you see it to your drinking, but so you were kind of in that party phase for a while, and you quit at 19.
So what happened in that period of time?
Tracy: So yes, that happened my first semester, um, when I went off to school, and I was still drinking and using. So it was– I mean, most, in most cases of assault, alcohol is the number one substance, um, almost 100% of the time, uh, either by the perpetrator or the person that’s assaulted. And I was at a fraternity party and, you know, left with somebody, um, thinking we were kinda going back and gonna like kinda continue the party at their place, not having any intention of being physical with them.
But, um, and then I just kind of blacked out and kind of woke up trying to push him away and trying to like turn my face away. I’m s- I s- you know, verbally saying no, but you’re just, [00:44:00] um, totally blacked. You know what I mean? You’re, you’re totally wasted, and I couldn’t really control the situation
Arlina Allen: Yeah. And you were 19? 19, yeah.
Tracy: I was 19, yes.
Arlina Allen: Oh,
Tracy: Mm-hmm. So, so shortly before, I’d say this was in November, and I got sober in January. So I got sober like… Well, no, I’m sorry, I got sober in February, so it was like three months, four months later
Arlina Allen: Yeah.
Tracy: that I got sober
Arlina Allen: directly feel like your life was in danger due to your drinking because of situ- because of that situation?
Tracy: I think that that was an, like, another piece of trash in the trash can for me, um, a big one. And I would actually say that, and I don’t know if other, uh, people would share this, or I think everybody’s reaction is different. I kind of, um, kind of denied it. You know, like I just, for my own mental safety, I kind of was like, “I’m not gonna actually look at this and deal with this.”
And it took me years into recovery before I really was able to talk about it. It just [00:45:00] was too big and scary, and all the feelings about myself, you know, which again, not my fault, not my fault, not my fault, regardless of the fact that I was, uh, that I drank a lot at this party. So I just want anyone out there to know it’s not your fault.
And there was a lot of feelings around it, and so I kinda stuffed that down for a long time. Um, but that was, um, absolutely one of the big things that happened towards the end of my addiction that was like a, “This is not working anymore.” You know? And I think that was the first step for me was this idea of I started all of this to, to kind of put a lid on all of my feelings, and it’s not working anymore
Arlina Allen: Yeah. Um, that’s not uncommon. Like, I was probably 20 years sober before I was able to deal with my childhood sexual abuse, and it takes a, it takes a really long time. I think it cr- I think it takes a certain level of [00:46:00] safety, internal safety, to be able to allow those memories to arise
Tracy: Absolutely. And yes, I really tucked that way back in my psyche until I was safe enough, to use your words, to look at it.
Arlina Allen: To look at it, yeah
Tracy: And now I talk about that, so I talk about that, um, to high schoolers as well, and it’s actually, it has a name. It’s called the red zone, and it’s the first semester freshman year where 50% of sexual assaults happen in your first semester freshman year, and they literally call it the red zone
Arlina Allen: 50% in your first year
Tracy: 50% of all sexual assaults that happen during college will happen your first semester of freshman year
Arlina Allen: Wow
Tracy: It’s, it’s staggering, and I think the numbers are right now 26% of females, 22% of LGBTQ, um, I wanna say like
8% of males [00:47:00] will be s- assaulted in college
Arlina Allen: That’s intense
Tracy: It’s the numbers suck. It’s, they’re unacceptable
Arlina Allen: I can see why you talk to teens so much. That makes a lot of sense.
Tracy: Mm-hmm. And of the way, uh, completely, and I always say this, I’m like, I, the, the way that I say it is, “I’m not telling you this to scare you, but I am telling this to s- you this to scare you.” You know what I mean? Like, I’m not,
Arlina Allen: Be very afraid
Tracy: I’m not, like, I’m not trying to ruin your freshman year. I want you to go off. I want you to have a wonderful time, but I also want you to have the information.
And so one of the things that I suggest to teenagers is to, like, have somebody be the eyes. That’s what I always say to my kid, you know, when they go to parties. I say, “Just somebody choose to say, ‘I’m not drinking at this party. I’m the eyes. I make sure everybody gets home safely. I make sure everybody’s, you know, not taking drinks from somebody and doesn’t know what’s in them.'”
Like, you know what I mean? They’re the eyes to the best of their ability. And then the hope is that somebody else, the next night or the next weekend, they choose to be the eyes, right? And you all just take turns[00:48:00]
Arlina Allen: That is really wise. that we have to do that, but yeah.
Tracy: Mm-hmm.
Arlina Allen: Very wise. Um, so how did you find yourself in recovery? You know, back when we got sober there really wasn’t any other options. So how were you introduced to a way of getting sober?
Tracy: Um, I was very lucky that my mom did, made a lot of phone calls and I guess this was pre, you know, computers. This was pre-Google. This was pre… Yes, exactly. And so I honestly, you know, I’ve never asked her, like, “How did you find these different rehabs?” Like, uh, she must have, like, literally Yellow Paged them.
Like, I don’t know how she did, but she…
Arlina Allen: to say, “I have a problem, I need
Tracy: Oh, no, no, no. No, she, it, it got to the point, no way. No. She, it got to the point where I, there was no hiding it. Like, physically, like, I was, like, jaundice, um, because of my drug use. Like, I had no, I mean, I was, like, yellow. My [00:49:00] eyes were black. My nails were brittle. My hair was, like, falling out.
Arlina Allen: Was this due just due to drugs and, I mean, um, weed and
Tracy: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I, well, I was doing everything. So I’d done, at that point, pretty much everything on a fairly regular basis except for heroin. Because I don’t know if you’ve ever watched somebody shoot up with heroin, but it’s really scary. And I remember watching that at a party, and I was like, “Uh, that’s a hard pass for me, bro.”
You know? Like,
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: And so I never did heroin, but everything else. And so I was using a lot of different things regularly, and obviously it was just destroying my body. And, um, and then, you know, all of the trauma on top of it, right? It was just the, uh, everything happening, and it finally got to the point where, um, my mom was like, “Okay,” she was like, “You need to go to rehab.”
So she sent me off to an inpatient rehab, w- and that did not work out for me, um, mostly because I, I, of withdrawal.
Arlina Allen: Oh, you
Tracy: Withdrawal sucks. Oh, yeah, and that felt awful.[00:50:00]
Arlina Allen: at the rehab for-
Tracy: No. So this was like in ’96, right? This was like, like back to ’95. I think I went to that rehab at, technically at the end of ’95, and I kinda got there and then went through this, and went through withdrawal.
And I was also 19, so I was able to sign myself out. I wasn’t underage, so I signed myself out, and then that’s when things got really bad, if they didn’t get bad before. Um, ’cause then I, then my mom would not let me back in the house. And so I became homeless, went through a whole bunch of stuff during that period of time,
Arlina Allen: a
Tracy: and it got…
Arlina Allen: say stuff.
Tracy: Uh, well, I mean, you’re a drug addict on the streets, you know. You’re doing what you can do to make ends meet. You know, and, um, I wasn’t prostituting, per se. Um, no, I wasn’t going that far, but I was going far enough that it’s like the type of thing, like you don’t w- you wouldn’t wanna imagine your daughter, you know, doing some of these [00:51:00] things.
Um, and also just sneaking into sheds to sleep. Opening cars, like sleeping in the back of cars. Um, you know, it was,
Arlina Allen: terrifying.
Tracy: it was terrifying. It was terrifying, and it was disgusting, and it was, uh, you know, it, the, it was slowly breaking me down. Which is, for me, what I needed. I needed to get to a point where it was like, “I’m broken enough that this isn’t working.
I need to find a different way.” And so I really feel like signing myself out of that first rehab and hitting bottom even more helped to push me into the second rehab. And so my mom did say, “You’re allowed back in the house if you get into a second rehab.” And so, um, I did, and it was an intensive outpatient.
I did not wanna do another inpatient. Yes, exactly. And, uh, that’s where, for me, I, I met these two counselors that were just like– I call them my angels, you know? They just, for whatever reason, worked their magic on me and
Arlina Allen: And you were [00:52:00] ready?
Tracy: I was ready. I was, I didn’t know what I was ready for, so I think that’s an important feature for anybody that’s, doesn’t, doesn’t know what they wanna do right now.
I didn’t know what I was ready for, but I knew that my way wasn’t working. I knew that there had to be something different. I just didn’t know what that was gonna look like or what that meant for me, but I had to, I had to do something
Arlina Allen: Did that
Tracy: And
Arlina Allen: period of surrender?
Tracy: Yes. A-and then I had a deeper period of surrender, I’d say about three weeks into this, uh, intensive outpatient program where I had not had a drink or drug for those three weeks miraculously. I mean, totally miraculously. And I had like kind of a-an aha moment. I had a real like, where basically my– Yes, exactly.
So ’cause the way that I put it is like I, the lid came off the trash can. So you take the alcohol and drugs, you take my lid off my trash can, I’m a pretty pissed off person. I’m a pretty [00:53:00] angry person, and all this stuff is coming out, and I’m feeling it, and I’m smelling it, and I have to look at all this trauma, and I was very angry and acting out.
And it got to the point where my one counselor was like, “You know, you’re gonna die. Like, you’re, you’re so hateful, and you’re s-so out of control, you’re gonna die.” And that’s where I kind of had this crossroads moment b-being basically screamed at in my face by my counselor.
Arlina Allen: Graham.
Tracy: Oh, screamed at. And I think the thing that was so jarring for me was that this was not the screaming counselor.
I kind of had like this good cop, bad cop counselor situation. And so I would’ve expected this from Jim, but I was not expecting it from Al. Al was like the funny, light-hearted good cop one, and he literally like got on his knees and like grabbed me by the shoulders and was screaming in my face. And that for me was like, like kinda like that white light aha, “Okay, uh, [00:54:00] something needs to change right now.”
Arlina Allen: It’s intense
Tracy: It was very intense. I mean, I can, I can remember his face. I can remember him like almost like spitting on me, like he’s so close, screaming so loud, like, you know, like he’s like there’s like spit coming out. And it really– But he, he quite literally shook some sense into me
Arlina Allen: That’s amazing. And so that, that was it for you, huh? That you stayed sober from then on?
Tracy: I really did, yeah. I said, “Okay, what now?” And I just started to listen, right? The, the saying, um, take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth. You know, shut up, you don’t know anything. And I didn’t, you know? And so I started to listen, and I started to become willing, right?
Arlina Allen: Yeah, it’s so interesting ’cause there is that sort of, you know, there’s a kind of like the two schools of recovery. There’s the loving, gentle, compassionate kind, and then there’s the, the ass-kickers. And it’s so interesting. I did not gravitate towards the ass-kicker. I had a sponsor who was very [00:55:00] direct with me. Like, I’d call her. You know, my husband’s name is Bob. “Bobby did this and he did that.” She’d be like, “Well, I don’t sponsor him.” I thought that
Tracy: It’s
Arlina Allen: like the,
Tracy: a great line
Arlina Allen: rudest thing I ever heard. Or I’d call her and call her back or something, and she’d be like, “Did you do what I suggested?” And I was like, “No, I haven’t done that yet.” Click.
Tracy: Love it.
Arlina Allen: you’re so mean.”
Tracy: Yeah
Arlina Allen: was about as hardcore as she got, but I’ve, I’ve seen some people really do well under that sort of, you know, sergeant, ass-kicking kind of, uh, mentorship
Tracy: You know, I think it, it depends on your personality.
Arlina Allen: It does,
Tracy: and I think that there’s probably been different times in my recovery that I’ve needed one or the other.
Arlina Allen: Yeah.
Tracy: there’s been times when I needed the ass-kicking. Probably in the beginning, I really needed to be like, “You’re an idiot. You don’t know anything.
Shut up and just go to a meeting,” type of thing, which was really hard to swallow.
Arlina Allen: [00:56:00] Yeah.
Tracy: Accurate, but hard to swallow.
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: And, and then there were times I did need, like, the, the softer way, right? The softer touch. So I think it’s been, like, an ebb and, and flow and a process.
Arlina Allen: Yeah.
Tracy: But I can definitely take both
Arlina Allen: Yeah. I feel like the softer touch came at a good time when I was being too hard on myself. Like, you can go the other extreme
Tracy: Mm-hmm
Arlina Allen: really hard on yourself, and that’s when it was nice to have, like, a loving, compassionate But I think when people are, are not willing to take responsibility, that’s when sort of the hard edge seems to be helpful.
Tracy: Mm-hmm. Yeah. So it is, and so you hope that people around you kind of, uh, people that have more recovery than you can kind of see that and kind of know maybe how to play that, play that game a little bit
Arlina Allen: Yeah. messy. Isn’t it so messy?
Tracy: If it, if it wasn’t messy, everybody would be where we are, you know? I mean, it is messy.
Arlina Allen: messy.
Tracy: It-
Arlina Allen: and everybody’s [00:57:00] different, and everyone’s coming to the table with a different set of baggage and
Tracy: At a different age, at a different relationship status, at a different, you know what I mean? All of these things
Arlina Allen: Different. Yeah, it’s, it’s messy. It’s messy. Um, so you got sober through 12 step. I did too. Was that … How did you feel about the four-step process? ‘Cause for me it was magical. It was like a very pragmatic way to sort out all my baggage
Tracy: I, I still practice, I feel like I practice the fourth step all the time. Um, yes, no, it was definitely, it was scary, and I feel like I put it off like most people do for a long time. And I, I had to do it a few times for sure because there were a lot of either whether it was repressed or forgotten things that would come up years later.
I’d be like, “Oh, I forgot about that person,” you know? Or that, “Forgot I did that.”
Arlina Allen: Oops
Tracy: yes, exactly. And, uh, it was, you know, it’s unbelievably [00:58:00] frank. It’s terrifying. Um, it’s really hard to, for me, I’ll speak for myself, it was really hard to look at, and I’m also grateful that I only have like four years of, you know, papers, you know what I mean?
Of, of situations and, I mean, I guess I had some of them when I was younger, but the point is I had a, you know, my, my addiction was very short.
Arlina Allen: Right, but
Tracy: It was like, a
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: lot of addicts, it was like hard and fast, hard and fast. And, um, I burned out really quickly, literally. And, uh, so I didn’t have a huge huge list, but it was still scary.
But I would say that those lessons, like doing the fourth and fifth was very much, you know, and then making amends in eight, was very much, um, something I practice to this day. You know? Uh, I do something or I see something or I say something and I address it. I try to address it right away, come to a c- conclusion, and then move on
Arlina Allen: Keep it moving. Yeah.
Tracy: Yep.[00:59:00]
Arlina Allen: Yeah, I
Tracy: Yeah, so it’s
Arlina Allen: I love the, um, the maintenance steps, you know, 10, 11, and 12. You know, the self-reflection,
Tracy: Mm-hmm.
Arlina Allen: spiritual guidance, and being of service
Tracy: it on to others. Exactly.
Arlina Allen: Yeah. That’s
Tracy: Yeah, it’s been, it’s been fun. I, um, teaching my daughters this idea of kind of, uh, addressing things right away, and I, I’ll, I’ve done this in front of them for my entire marriage. Whereas if my husband says something or does something and I disagree, I mean, right in the moment, right there, I don’t care if we’re in the middle of the food store, out to dinner, I’ll be like, “Hmm, pause.
No. I did not like that,” or, “I disagree.” I’m like right there, and we will discuss it s- you know, usually, like reasonably. Sometimes it got a little loud. We’ve, I can count on one hand the time that we’ve had, like, a fight because I just, I’m like, “We’re addressing it right now.” We come to a conclusion and then move on.
And so my daughters have seen this their whole life, so it’s been really fun to watch. My older daughter, [01:00:00] um, she’s been with her boyfriend for a long time, and she, um, one time I heard her basically, uh, address him. He said something, and she was like, “Um, no. Take that back, like, that was not appropriate.” And he was like, “You’re right.
I’m sorry.” And she was like, “Okay, cool. All right. We’re fine now.” And I was like, I was like, “Oh, my gosh. I’m so proud of you.”
Arlina Allen: idea of emulating the behavior we want our children to have is, you know, they don’t, you know, not do as I say. What’s that saying? Do as
Tracy: Yes
Arlina Allen: not as I do. That doesn’t work at
Tracy: A bull, it is total bull. Yeah, exactly. Yep.
Arlina Allen: teach by example
Tracy: It’s all modeling. It’s all modeling.
Arlina Allen: I love
Tracy: Yep
Arlina Allen: Well, listen, um, on your book. Uh, thank you so much for spending some time with me today.
I’m gonna leave a link to your book in the show notes. Um,
Tracy: Thank you
Arlina Allen: s- somebody is, uh, wanting [01:01:00] to get the book, Pretty Wrecked: Confessions of a Teen Addict, where can people find that?
Tracy: Um, so A- it’s on Amazon, it’s on, um, I think Target, Barnes & Noble, so lots of places. It’s available as a Kindle, like e-book, audiobook. Um, Spotify I think is the best place to get it as an audiobook, but it’s avail- you know, there’s like eight different places. Apple, I think, has it. So, and then you can always just go to my website, um, which is tracyviolaauthor.com.
So my name, T-R-A-C-Y-V-I-O-L-A author.com,
Arlina Allen: Excellent.
Tracy: information in there as well
Arlina Allen: Yeah, I, and I know you do speaking to teens, and I think it’s so important for, you know, if there are people who have, you know, access to, um, you know, schools that need speakers, you, you’re an excellent speaker. Um, I think the kids really need to hear it. They, they just don’t… They don’t know what they don’t know.
And, you know, if their parents aren’t talking about it, they need to be hearing about it somewhere[01:02:00]
Tracy: Absolutely. And even if their parents are talking about it, they, I hate to say it, but like, you know, the kids don’t wanna listen to their parents. They’d be way more likely to listen to somebody else. So yes, thank you for saying that, because it’s really the parents and the kids that, you know, going to the schools and saying, “Hey, we really want this speaker, we really want this speaker,” that will, will get me to more schools.
Arlina Allen: Yeah
Tracy: ’cause I can only atta- you know, reach out to so many schools, and they probably have speakers lined up already. So it’s really parents and students that need to be advocates for saying, “We really want this person.”
Arlina Allen: Yeah. Love that. Love that. So I’ll leave links to, um, how people can get ahold of you, your website
Tracy: Perfect.
Arlina Allen: your book and everything. But it was
Tracy: Thank you
Arlina Allen: be with
Tracy: so much.
Arlina Allen: Thank you so much for
Tracy: So wonderful to talk with you
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