Today I am joined by Brett Eaton, who is a motivational speaker, high performance coach, and the best selling author of “Uncomfortable Either Way: The Blueprint For Building Confidence Through Discomfort”. You might think that he doesn’t fit the typical guest profile, but Brett’s expertise on building confidence, behavior change, identity shifts, and building momentum – are the foundational building blocks of sobriety.
In this episode we talk about:
✅ How accepting discomfort leads to change
✅ The importance of micro-commitments
✅ Why focusing on the wins is critical to recovery
✅ The antidote to perfectionism
✅ How to rebuild self-trust after years of self-betrayal
And so much more!
Brett was so much fun to talk to, his energy is so contagious, I can’t wait for you to meet him!
Before we jump in, just a quick announcement: I am hosting a new meeting through the OpenRecovery App! It’s like having an AI sober coach in your pocket, but now has a HUGE community feature with some of the most influential thought leaders in the recovery space.
Sign up for free and join “The 12 Step Group For Skeptics”. It’s a safe space to explore challenging topics, intended to help you make progress in the steps, and make some new sober friends in the process. It’s every Wednesday on Zoom at 4pm PST / 7pm EST. Some of the groups have a ton of members, and I’m super competitive, so join me and help me win this imaginary race! I can’t wait to see you there!
So without further delay, please enjoy this episode-with Brett!
Guest Contact Info: bretteaton.com
Buy The Book: https://amzn.to/4pfawTm
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Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Amazon Music, or you can stream it from my website HERE. You can also watch the interview on YouTube.
Transcript:
Brett, thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you, Arlena. I’m excited to be here. we had such a fun pre-interview chat. I was like, Ooh, we’re gonna have so much to talk about. And so you’re not my typical guest. Usually when I interview somebody it’s like, tell me your addiction story, how you overcame it, and what are the solutions that you used.
And so you’re just a little bit different, but it’s so interesting. I’m gonna be looking down ’cause I have so many notes. So your core themes revolve, and correct me if I’m wrong, but revolve around confidence, discipline, momentum, identity shifts, addressing fear change and life transitions.
Is that fair? That’s totally fair, yes. These are all recovery themes. They so much. And which is why when I saw your show pop up, I said, I, I love this. I think there’s so much to dive into here. Yeah. And yes, I agree with you. Our pre-call was so awesome. I was like this is gonna be a good one.
I’m, I’ve been excited all day for [00:01:00] this. There’s a lot. You’re like my brother from another mother. Yes, exactly. Exactly. There is so much there. There’s a lot of crossover and. The, my first career was in fitness, and I also believe that there’s so much that we can learn from that journey as well. And then, the, with the audience that, that you have, and a lot of the guests that you’ve had on here, when it comes to addiction recovery, there’s a lot of identity shifting there.
There’s a lot of confidence that could either be gained or broken. There’s a lot of different, success stories and with the success stories come, the stumbles and the challenges and the setbacks. So there’s a lot there. And I’m just really kind of fascinated by the humans that we are and the different.
Differences that we all have. And I just love unpacking it. And once I kind of got started down the high performance coaching road and now the professional speaker road, it’s like, I just love it. I love learning about this. When I’m sitting around doing nothing, I can’t wait to learn something new or how people tick or a new story.
It’s just what I love and know. I love that too. It’s like, so [00:02:00] I’m a self-proclaimed, self-help junkie. So much so that I actually started a second podcast to just focus on people like us who are like total, we love to deconstruct, thinking like limiting beliefs, like what makes people tick.
It’s really all about behavior change, fulfillment, things like that. And so I did a deep dive on your content and I was. Like pumped because like motivation is a thing, like it’s something that we can cultivate. And so I’m, we’re gonna get into all that, but we’re gonna talk about your new book called Uncomfortable.
Either Way. The Blueprint for Building Confidence through Discomfort. And what I thought was so interesting about that is this idea of we have to choose our heart, like drinking. Drinking in addiction in an addictive way is hard, and recovery is hard. So you gotta choose your heart. Being fat is hard, being fit is hard.
Choose your heart. Yes, absolutely right. And that’s really where the title of the book came from. And [00:03:00] funny enough, when I was coming up, when I decided, hey, I wanna write a book. And I had this, Google document full of hundreds of pages that I was like, okay, there are chapters in there, there are ideas in there over the course of eight years.
And I had to pick out, okay, what am I still waving the flag for? What is no longer relevant? What do I really passionate about? All of the biggest transformational moments of my life? And when I say that word, I think a lot of people think of like all of the good stuff. Transformation also can come from a lot of negative things as well.
Whether it’s a setback, a challenge, a loss of somebody, a rock bottom, whatever it may be. I always felt like what got me to go in the direction of change, or choose growth or choose progress was this inner conversation that I have with myself. And it was always that moment that I. Stopped convincing myself that, oh, the but changing my friend group is gonna be hard, or changing my habits is gonna be hard.
Or, this is part of my identity. Starting to shed that or release that is gonna be hard. I [00:04:00] just kind of had that conversation with myself of, yeah, Brett, it is going to be hard. But when I started to realize that I was already uncomfortable in that very moment, settling for a life that I was unhappy with, or a path that was unfulfilling, or habits that weren’t serving me, or looking in the mirror and not feeling good about who was looking back at me and not feeling proud of that person, I realized I am already uncomfortable.
And when I finally had that conversation with myself, this uncomfortable either way, mantra kind of popped in of, okay. It’s not that I can avoid this uncomfort, it’s where am I gonna choose it, and if I choose the one that comes with growth, if I choose the one that comes with progress and more confidence and an opportunity for different, okay, now I understand that I have an option here and it’s not, I can’t avoid it.
So let’s just choose the one that comes with hopefully a lot less regret in my life. Yeah. I mean, that whole mindset is just so utterly practical that it has a tendency to sort of break through some of the [00:05:00] stories that we tell ourselves, some of the illusions that it’s like hypnosis. It’s like we’re like in this mass illusion, and we think that we can’t ch, like you said, change our friend group or change our identity.
But the interesting thing about addiction and I’ll just speak for myself, is I reached a point where I could not continue. Mm-hmm. Right? The emotional pain was too much for me, and it was like this marathon of misery that it was like this endurance in misery that I finally reached my breaking point and I was like, I can’t do this anymore.
And so it forced me to change the things I was afraid to change. In the book, I talk about the three levels of frustration and I love kind of breaking this down for people because it’s really helpful for anybody who may be listening, that’s like, where am I on this scale? The first level of frustration is you’re not really frustrated with anything, right?
It’s like, Hey it’s not that big of a deal. Maybe there’s a problem in your life. It’s like you really think about it. It’s not there. It’s like, okay, you don’t need to change [00:06:00] that. Maybe you just release the fact that, hey, it’s not important. Level two is where a lot of people live, and that’s where we’re frustrated enough to complain about it or frustrated enough to think about it all the time, but not frustrated enough or emotional enough to make a change, to do anything about it.
And unfortunately, that’s where a lot of people end up. Staying. They stay in that level two and they end up living there. And it’s just unfortunate for them that, that they never go forward or backwards. Level three is, I am so frustrated and uncomfortable that I need to change this thing and I need to change it as quickly as possible.
And as a coach, a lot of times sometimes people will come to me with a challenge or with a problem or with something. Especially like, in fitness, when I was back in the fitness industry, people would come and they’d be like, here’s my fitness problem. I wanna fix this. And I would find that what is the difference between the people that make the changes and the people who talk about making the changes but never do.
It’s what level of frustration are they at. Mm-hmm. And I found that it was actually valuable to me as either their trainer or their coach or the, the, [00:07:00] maybe the person speaking is, I want you to either get back, just go back to level one. Or get to level three, and it may seem counterintuitive, Brett, you’re a coach.
Why would you want to coach somebody to get more frustrated, more emotional, more uncomfortable. Because that’s where the change happens. Exactly. It’s, it only will happen when we get emotional. And I actually think emotions are a great place and a great foundation to, to build change because when you are frustrated, mad enough, sad enough pissed off, like whatever you may be, if you are just so frustrated, that is usually the catalyst for change.
So I don’t like people living in, in in level two. I would either say like, Hey, is, if this is not something we’re willing to go down the road, just release it into the world, say that’s fine. I’m not, that’s not my project to change or my responsibility. But if this is something that you have control over and it is bothering you day in and day out, I’m gonna push you to get even more frustrated.
Let’s really break down why, how this is holding you back or ruining your life and let’s actually do something about it. Yeah, no, I love this. So I, [00:08:00] I heard you say the big change you want is to make. Wait is to make, is going to feel uncomfortable. So if you can accept that you’re uncomfortable already, you’re going to understand that you have a choice.
One comes with reward and one comes with regret. My gosh. Yes. That was so powerful. I was like, yeah. And I think people unfortunately don’t feel regret until it’s like too late, regret comes at a time when you don’t have a choice to do anything about it. And I would argue that if you’re listening to this podcast and whether you’re thinking about getting sober or whether you’re sober and now you’re dealing with other kinds of life challenges, because let’s face it, there is no, there’s no arrival point, right?
We’re always evolving. We really need to get to that place where we’re ready to sort of tip the scales and do something about it. So I love that idea about, just lean into the discomfort. [00:09:00] ’cause if you don’t, you’re gonna have regret. I’m so glad you brought that up because the regret piece is big.
And you’re right that we don’t often have the perspective to think about regret in the moment, right? We’re like, I want that cheeseburger, lemme just eat the cheeseburger. Like, or I want to go do this thing, lemme just go do this thing. Or I want the drink. Lemme just have the, like, I’m not thinking about the regret, but a but.
So it’s hard for people to make a choice right now that is maybe higher in risk in thinking about regret. But I love this, I love to shrink the game a little bit and I call this the one year filter and a great question for people to ask themselves, especially depending on when this comes out. We’re talking about the end of the year, new year, depending on, where, what phase or anytime people could ask this.
And this is actually what led me to writing this book, Arlena. It’s the question of if I knew that I only had one year left to live, what would I regret not doing? Or not changing or not pursuing? One thing, just like one, one thing. And it can maybe be one personal thing and maybe one professional thing for somebody who is that way.
But I [00:10:00] remember when that question, when I was asked that and professionally, the first thing that came onto my heart was, why have I not written a book? I’ve talked about it. I know that there’s stuff in there. I’ve been coaching for so long, I’ve helped so many people through transformations.
Why have I not shared this in a way that will last, that will outlive, relive me? And it was immediate. I got on the phone, I started making calls within a month. I had my publisher, I had my start date, and we had, like, we were already in, in the trenches and it, and that is the only, and it, the book took me two years from start to finish.
So it actually wasn’t a one year thing, but it was a two year journey. But I believe that question was the only way that came up. But to ask somebody what they would maybe regret and it, for some people it may be, dang, there’s this habit that I just keep telling myself, like, I will be so mad if I knew I had one year left to live.
And we talked about, losing, we have both lost parents that, that idea that, sometimes it’s sudden and sometimes you have a little bit of notice. But what would happen if, like, we just knew that and for some reason that [00:11:00] filter, since I’ve heard that question, has been such a great.
Question that I ask myself, because it really puts things clearly in perspective of what’s important and what is no longer important. And I know that somebody is gonna, I, as a coach, I’m always open to push back and I’m always open to somebody like, but hold on a second, Brett, you can’t live your leg.
You have to still plan for the future, right? What if you have to plan for 10 years down the road? Five, I totally get that, but here’s my comeback to that. If you live your life avoiding regret for one year at a time. You are not only gonna increase probably your happiness, your fulfillment, and your life experience within that year, but if you then do that again the next year and the next year and the next year.
I’m not saying blow all your money in one year, but I’m saying live life in that filter of. And here’s where it shows up. It starts showing up when we start to say no to things that are not important. When somebody asks you, Hey, I come to this event, or you wanna come to my birthday party, and you’re like, immediately, no, I do not want to go to that full body.
No, but you feel guilty, but you feel like, oh, I don’t wanna let somebody down. [00:12:00] You end up living life more for you and less for all the people around you that actually don’t matter. The friend that will get over the fact that you weren’t at their birthday party when there were a hundred people there, or that, committing to that thing that you immediately know you should have said no to.
It’s those type of things that you start to clear space for the important things and the trips that do matter and being really present at those trips. So that filter has been so helpful and I hope it helps people kind of play this game of where’s the risk, where’s the regret and how do we avoid it moving forward?
No, I love that. I’m totally gonna incorporate that into my journaling practice. Probably when we get off of this. That’s a good one. I have to say I love hearing people’s experiences, people who decided that they don’t wanna drink anymore, that weren’t quote unquote that bad because you decided to quit drinking and go alcohol free, even though I wouldn’t consider you to be somebody on the alcohol use.
Disorder spectrum. [00:13:00] Maybe you can correct if that’s true, but I love hearing that pe that like you’ve came, you came to that conclusion even though it wasn’t quote unquote that bad. Yeah. So my alcohol journey, like I, I used the word party like partied in high school and then coming out, a lot of my friend circle was still like that age group.
We were young twenties. We would work during the week and then we would have lots of fun on the weekends. And I was a very specific type of drinker, meaning I, I’d never had a beer by myself at dinner. I never drank during the week. But if Thursday, Friday, Saturday, sometimes Sunday would roll around and there were a group of people going out.
I was leading the charge, and not only was I leading the charge, but I could convince almost everybody to stay for one more drink. I just had that influence over people. And you are highly motivating, highly mo. I was, yes. It was the skills that were pointed in maybe slightly a different direction.
You’re using your powers for good now, I guess Using my powers. I’ve changed, yes. Use the powers for good. So what happened was I just started. Complaining. I started being in that level two frustration where Monday through Fri I’d wake up with all this anxiety around [00:14:00] Monday being like, I can’t believe I’m gonna go back and stand in this gym for the next eight hours, 10 hours.
And then Friday would roll around and I’d convinced myself I was gonna make some changes or start learning stuff or, growing my skills or starting my own business was what I really wanted to do. I wanted to try working for myself. And then I’d go out Friday, spend all Saturday being a bum. I’d do the same thing, Fri Saturday nights and spend Sunday to being a bum watching football all day.
And then all of a sudden money would roll around and guess what Brett was doing? Again, complaining about what his situation was. And it got to the point where I just started to realize if I need to make a change my weekends right now, it was just me. I was single. I wasn’t, I didn’t have kids, didn’t have a family, didn’t have any, it was just like that was the time that I could make the change.
And I just realized that the drinking was not only something that I was doing in excess, meaning I was probably drinking a lot more than I should have, but it was. Killing the time that I had, that I could really make a change in my life. So what I started to do was I started to kind of pull back and be like, okay, maybe I’ll just drink one day a [00:15:00] week.
And what I started to realize was that, I was living with great roommates, my best friends at the time and I would. I started off lying to everybody about having to work on Saturdays, be like, I have to go into the, to work. I gotta go into the gym, train a couple clients, and they would press me so hard that eventually I started actually taking clients on Saturday just so I didn’t have to lie.
And I actually had an excuse because Arlene, you probably know that if you say, I don’t want to drink, that’s not a good enough answer for your friend circle of people who wanna party with you. But if I say I have work tomorrow morning, everybody accepted that as an answer. Mm-hmm. So a huge part of this was how I worded not wanting to drink anymore.
And it was when I said, I don’t think I’m gonna drink tonight. That was an invitation for everybody to convince me no, Brett, I think you do want to and we’re gonna convince you. Wow. Yeah. But as soon as I changed the language to I, I’m not drinking tonight, that was a commitment that nobody really felt like they could break through that wall.
For somebody else, maybe who, who’s on. Thinking the same way I am and wanted to change that, I would your language around that. And it was no [00:16:00] longer, I can’t drink tonight ’cause that feels like I’m being punished. It was, I’m choosing not to drink tonight. I’m not drinking tonight. Yeah. That’s a commitment, that’s a statement.
So that started to happen and what happened was I would wake up on Friday nights, I started spending, trading my Friday nights at the bar for Friday nights at the Arlington Public Library. Where I would take my notebook, take my laptop, and I would start coming up with my business idea. And it was gonna be part training.
It was gonna start taking my social media more seriously. I was gonna start learning about how to become a co, a high performance coach. ’cause I was really obsessed with the motivational side of things, even though I wasn’t exactly Mr. Motivation on the, the surface. There was a lot of things that I really loved about that I was obsessed with the Tony Robbins of the world and the people who were just powerful and the, even the athletes and the actors who just had that like charisma.
I loved it. So I started trading my Friday nights and then Saturday mornings I’d wake up and I would get a workout in and I would go shopping for the week, my groceries, and I would get some work done. And I was doing [00:17:00] hours worth of things before my roommates would wake up on Saturday. And I started to really see the time that I was giving up by drinking.
And then what happened was one day turned into, no days, turned into like weekends that I’d start to string together. And I’m like, man, I am actually. I have so much momentum towards starting this business. And it all came from that one decision of not drinking. And I was just, I knew myself and I’m kind of an all in person, so the idea of like, I’m gonna drink a little bit just didn’t really work for me.
So it had to be this decision that it was just like, I’m not gonna drink. And I didn’t put a time on it. I didn’t say I’m gonna do it for a month, or sober October or a dry January. It was just, I’m not drinking right now. To be determined. And funny enough I went back to it one, one night at a buddy’s bachelor party and same kind of thing.
Probably had too much, felt like absolute trash the next day. And that was really a decision of like, I don’t think there’s a space for this. Like, I just if I know I can’t have one or two, there’s maybe no space for this. And I took it out. And from that point on, I actually [00:18:00] went two years. I went two years before I even, had another sip of it.
And at that point I had a sip and I was like, oh, this doesn’t really do much for me anymore. I don’t really think I even want this. And that was the change that I made in my life. I love that. I did hear you say when we did our little pre-chat that it’s not what I’m giving up. It’s what am I getting?
And I love this idea that, so a lot of people in recovery go through like this major identity shift, right? I used to be, what I thought of was like the party girl, right? Which excused a lot of really bad behavior, which we don’t have to get into. But then in recovery, then you have to decide who you’re gonna be because there I heard that there are no solutions, there are only trade offs.
And so my solution to life was being this party girl, and then I had to trade it in for something else. And I had to really be intentional about, well, what kind of woman did I wanna be? And a lot of that was around I wanted to be somebody that was [00:19:00] confident, had integrity and these were ideals that I sort of, I surrounded myself with other sober people and began to adopt their ideals of integrity and service and self-examination, all that stuff.
So that was my identity sort of emerged over time. And so, but there’s this thing about like low self-esteem and not feeling worthy and deserving of receiving sort of like this new identity. But I feel like when you talk about building confidence and building momentum people in recovery often struggle with the follow through.
Like, we know what to do, but we don’t follow through. How would you help somebody build momentum when their confidence is at like rock bottom? That’s a great, that’s a great question. The biggest killer of our confidence is overcommitting and then under-delivering and what I [00:20:00] feel like is the best place to build confidence is shrinking the amount of things that we commit to.
And it may seem counterintuitive to like, well, why am I not committing because. I would agree actually what’s most important is the follow through. And we have, and that is a skill that we have to learn. So, and actually from a, from another, one of our great books that I recommend everybody read and was probably one of a big influence on my book is a book called Atomic Habits by Jane.
Oh my gosh. And one of my, yeah. People who love it. And I tried to love it, tried to write my book in the same style of if somebody read it in January, could they pick it up again in the summer? And it still be applic like newly applicable to their new life in the new season. Yeah.
And that’s what I’ve tried to do. So I’ve gotten some great feedback. So that’s good. So it’s like, so, so what you’re presenting are sort of overarching principles that Yes. Sort of act as the rudder for your life, the guidance overarching. Absolutely. Every chapter ends with two action items.
One that you can do within 30 seconds, meaning you can do it before you even turn the page. ’cause how many times have we seen [00:21:00] something that’s like, oh, I’ll do that, and then you’re onto the next page and you just never take the action. Gotta take the action big. As much as I love being a motivational speaker, I wish there was a thing called a momentum speaker because I truly believe that the difference is, can I help the people that I’m speaking to build momentum and can you take action?
So the second action item is something you can do within 24 hours. So by the end of the book, you’ve now taken 40 plus small steps of action, which is why you can flip this book open to any chapter, and that chapter can apply to wherever you are in this life. But the thing about Atomic Habits that he says, he has a really great quote in there, and he says, instead of committing to what you can complete on your best day, what can you still follow through with, even on your worst day?
And let me use a great fitness example for everybody. So a lot of people are like, oh man, I’m gonna get back into the gym, or I’m gonna start working out again. And they, and in a perfect world, they have a, 15 minute warmup, a nice, hour workout, and then a 45 minute workout, a 15 minute cool down.
It’s like, yeah, that, that’s. Perfect when we have the time and everything falls [00:22:00] perfectly into that. But what happens when we only have 20 minutes and a lot of people live their life in this? I either, they’re with two options. It’s either A, I do it, or BI don’t. And what I really feel like is the key to, to not just progress, but the key to momentum is what about C-B-D-E-F-G-A?
What about all those ones where it’s like, Hey, I didn’t get the hour workout in, but you know, what I didn’t get today was a zero because I did I walked around my block three times and I did 50 pushups. Great. That’s not a zero. And in the book, one of my favorite lines that I write about is called No Zero Day.
And if people just understood that a no zero day will impact you way more than a zero day will be detrimental. Like people think a perfect day will really move the needle. It will, but perfect day. Zero, zero, perfect. Day zero. Zero perfect day isn’t gonna be as good as 70%. 50%, 25%, 50%, a hundred percent, 70%.
Not having that zero is really what starts to kill people’s confidence is that I committed [00:23:00] to the thing and I didn’t do it even at all. And there’s a funny line from college that helped me get through and get my degree, but CS get degrees. Arlene, I dunno if you know that, but people like me, really?
That’s why I’m telling my son, he’s singing organic chemistry. We’re like, he, that’s brutal. I think that’s where this line came from me was exactly was chemistry. Yeah. But when you realize that you can still do a lot of good and create a lot of momentum in your life without being perfect, it really opens up the window to, to building momentum.
And that is where confidence comes from, is committing to something small, completing that something small. And over time then you start to increase your standard a little bit. But that’s usually the first thing I do If, I love doing like goal setting workshops with people and my specialty is like really pushing back on somebody’s goal because the goal sounds really good when we’re on a call and it sounds good before we have to start.
And it sounds good when we’re brainstorming the business idea or I’m working with a company and they’re talking about, what they’re gonna accomplish [00:24:00] in quarter one. And I don’t wanna be the bear or bad news, but I like to come in and kind of be like, okay, but what about this? Okay, but let, tell me about this.
Okay? But let me challenge you and push back on this. And the reason I do that upfront is because. What I don’t want to do is be like, that’s perfect. Everything’s gonna work out perfectly. But I like to say, well, what happens if this challenge happens? Well, what happens if this disaster happens? Well, what happens if this, and we get it down to something that, man, even if you know the S hits the fan and everything is bad and it’s messy and it’s ugly, and it’s like, can we still commit to that thing?
’cause that’s gonna move the needle for us. Yeah. No I really love that. And I feel like, when people get sober, it’s easy to hit that frustration level that you were talking about. And people go, I’m gonna start getting in shape. I’m going to, I’m gonna quit drinking or doing drugs or whatever, and I’m gonna, but pretty soon there’s like this they get all, they hit that frustration and they wanna change everything.
Yeah. Which is kind of funny because in the parlance of, 12 Step and things like that, sometimes you [00:25:00] do hear people say, all you have to change is everything. Which is true. But I, you talk a lot about micro commitments and I like the idea,
I’m like, we gotta break it down into manageable bite-sized pieces. And what I was hearing in what you were just saying were ideas around I just lost my train of thought. Not just micro commitments. Oh shoot. I had a really good point. Like trades. I’m a big per, I’m a big believer in trades.
And what, I mean, to pick up what you were saying is to highlight a story I just previously said. What I, where I think it would’ve been really hard is if I would’ve said, I’m not gonna go out with my Friday night friends and I’m gonna sit home and now I’m just gonna twiddle my thumbs and be like, all I’m thinking about is what I don’t get to do anymore.
Yeah. But what I found was, for me, and I think this could be helpful for other people, is I like to fill the gap in, meaning I’m not going out on a Friday night, but I immediately traded that with something else I was now looking for. I’m gonna go to the library, I’m gonna pull out, I’m gonna work on my business.
I’m gonna get all hyped up and I’m [00:26:00] gonna get like, really excited about, like, the potential of what the future is gonna look like. It’s the same as somebody. And to use another fitness example, it’s the same as somebody who’s like, Brett I, I eat dessert every night and I wanna stop eating dessert.
What I don’t have them, and this was back to like so many good fitness analogies, but what I didn’t have them do was say, don’t eat dessert tonight. ’cause now what’s gonna happen? You’re gonna be staring at the fridge being like, there’s something in there that I want. But what I would say The forbidden fruit.
Yeah, the forbidden fruit. So I would say, what do you normally have? They’d be like, well I like ice cream. I’m like, good. Get the same bowl that you eat the ice cream in, get the same spoon, but instead cut up an apple and put some peanut butter on it. And now you get dessert. And we’ve traded one negative habit for a habit that’s a little bit healthier.
But what we’ve done is we’ve filled that gap with something more productive. So for somebody who, which is why, things like AA are so impactful because guess what? It’s a group of people getting together to hang out. It is filling that gap of where that time may be spent. And I know a lot of, AA meetings or sometimes at night or when people would turn to these things.
24 7 20, yeah. [00:27:00] 24 7. Absolutely. Think about whatever habit you’re looking to change, how can we substitute something more positive in, for something negative? But I, I’m just not a believer and this is for my own self, but if you’re like, Brett, don’t do that. All I’m thinking about is doing that. Yeah.
So I was never really good at kind of leaving that empty space. I wanted to start off and eventually, I may not need dessert, but let me start by getting the same bowl, getting the same spoon, filling it with something more that I can, again, I still get to look forward to after dinner.
Still is tasty, but it’s just a lot healthier than what I may be having instead. And now all of a sudden, eventually you get to the point where you’re like, okay, well now maybe I don’t need to have that every night. Maybe I can substitute some nights. But I think those type of trades, like trading something for something better can work really effectively.
No it’s actually really important. It’s like in 12 Step they talk about a sufficient substitute, right? So instead of drinking and using you substitute that, you still have the connection, you still have activity, but yeah, it’s just Sam’s the [00:28:00] alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. That’s really good. Getting back to, people that are struggling with addiction, that creates sort of like years of broken promises with ourselves.
And maybe you kind of spoke to this already, but how do you help people rebuild trust within themselves after sort of long-term self betrayal? Is that, again, leading back to tiny little micro commitments and building that momentum? Yeah. It’s reframing. So, so one thing that is really contagious is, is losing, right?
And what that can look like for people is breaking commitments to myself, right? Yeah. You say you’re gonna do it, you break it, and all of a sudden that becomes the habit. What’s also really contagious, arlena is winning. So what I also tried to get people to do is highlight not just what they did well that day, but really start to focus on that and use that to start to be like, wait a minute.
I, I did win in that scenario, or I made it another day. And it’s like, celebrate that. Don’t think like, oh, it’s just one day. Oh, it’s just two days. Yeah. No. The people that I have seen that [00:29:00] have had the best success with recovery and with sticking with any sort of change are the ones that are okay.
Celebrating the mini milestones. That is so important. Yeah. Celebrate those little milestones. And then from the confidence side of things is. Sometimes when I speak, I’ll ask this question, even though I don’t really like the question, and I’ll ask the question in the audience of like, who here believes that they are a confident person?
And usually like 75% of the room will raise the hand, and here’s why. It’s a trick question, because the people who raise their hand saying I’m a confident person, are immediately thinking of that one thing in their head that they’re really confident on. Maybe they’re really confident at their job or they think that they’re a really good partner, or maybe they’re a good mom or husband or mom or dad, and they’re thinking of that and they’re like, yeah, I’m confident that I’m really good at that.
The 25% of the people that didn’t raise their hand. Are thinking of the one area where they are lacking the most amount of confidence. And what that tells me is that first of all, both people are right. ’cause the confident people are confident that they’re confident, right? The people who [00:30:00] didn’t raise their hand are actually confident that they’re not.
So it’s like, I like to tell everybody no. Everybody here read that you raised your hand or not, is actually confident. But why I like to play that game is because what we’d have to do with those 25% of the people is rewire their brain to not first associate with the place that we’re failing. If we first identify with the place that I’m the worst, it’s gonna be really tough to ever think positively on ourself.
But we may all struggle, even the 75% of the people who raise their hand, like, I’m super confident in this. And I’ll even play a game sometimes of somebody who raises their hand. I’m like, great, could you come up and sing the national anthem for us? And they’re like, oh wait. Whoa. That was not why I raised my hand.
Hold on a second. Right? And then again, another fun little game that just says, Hey, you were confident in some area, but you probably didn’t think I was gonna ask you to come sing. Right? So it just goes to show that, hey, we have to rewire our brain and get ourselves more used to looking at the positive sides of us, which is why I, and from high performance coaching or any coaching for that matter, I don’t wanna start with, Hey, let’s find all the weaknesses that [00:31:00] you have and let’s start there.
No. I wanna do the exact opposite. I want to tell, I want, I wanna pick, I wanna, if we were working together, arlena, I would wanna find the five biggest strengths that you believe that you have in yourself, and then I’d want to double, triple, quadruple down on those. Mm-hmm. Yeah. ’cause what this is gonna do, it’s already starting to feed the idea that you’re confident that you are, have high self-esteem, that you are doing these things well and it’s gonna make you want to do them more often.
And of course there are gonna be some things that we can, there are, everybody has some, let’s call ’em areas of opportunities that we’d wanna work on. But rather than being like, Hey, great, we’re gonna make some big changes here. Let’s focus on all the things that you stink at. That is not a very confident place to start.
And the biggest piece for any sort of continuation or momentum or consistency. Is confidence. Yeah, no, that, that’s really great. It’s so interesting because in addiction recovery, we do have a tendency to start with what’s not working and where the quote unquote character defects are. ’cause sometimes there, there are [00:32:00] those of us who are a little d Lulu about how bad our drinking really is.
Like we, some people minimize or people are just really hung up on they just really hung up on their belief systems, right? Like, it’s really not that bad or whatever. So there is a little bit of deconstruction that happens, but I feel like we also need to counterbalance it with what you’re just talking about, celebrating the wins.
Like, in a lot of meanings, you’ll you hear people. Celebrating their we we, in 12 step meetings, they typically ask people in their first 30 days to stand up and introduce them themselves. And, they’re counting days and everybody’s cheering for them, right? Yeah. Or 30 days, or 60 days, 90 days.
And so that is focusing on the wins. But there sort of needs to be this balance of where are my shortcomings? It’s important to identify them so that you can have what you were talking about earlier. I think what my point was that I lost was about having a contingency [00:33:00] plan. Yes. You’re talking about having a contingent, like if stuff goes sideways, what is the contingency plan?
And so yeah, both things are important. And the continue. And for a lot of so, so I do know some people who are in recovery and have gone through recovery and I’m actually I’m fascinated by not because of somebody else’s struggle. I’m fascinated because it. I’m I love like a comeback story.
Just like, show me somebody who has, whose life has maybe fallen apart and is coming back and building themselves. Like I just, I will root for that. I will root for anybody, but I will root for that person so hard. Yeah. The contingency plan is so important and I know that everybody has like the, what happens if you’re driving to the bar, like you have that one person to call, right.
That call that, that you will make to talk somebody out of it. Yeah. And to me that’s so important with environment is you talked about a contingency plan and this is gonna be another one of those like high performance habits that is flipped on its head and people are gonna be like, I’m surprised that this guy’s [00:34:00] saying this, but I think it’s important.
Everybody focuses on the ceiling. What is the best possible thing that I can do when everything comes together? Mm-hmm. Let’s go back to the fitness analogy, the absolute floor that I have for fitness. And I have this saying that has really helped me in fitness called Never Miss A Monday. And I’m sure people have heard it, but it’s just, I will never miss a Monday workout and I haven’t in like 13 years.
And it doesn’t mean that it’s. The most prettiest workout of all time. Just the other day I woke up and I was gonna get a slideshow ready, like just cleaned up for a presentation I had that day. It took me forever to get the presentation done, so I didn’t get to the gym like I thought, gave the presentation then was on a plane to New York.
Next thing I know, I get into the hotel and it’s like 11:00 PM and I’m looking at the clock being like, it’s a Monday and like, am I about to break this promise to myself? But I have already committed that my floor for. For a Monday workout is 200 pushups. Wow. So what? So what I said was like, you’re not getting in bed yet.
You’re gonna roll over onto the ground and you’re just gonna do sets of 10 and it’s gonna take [00:35:00] you probably 20 minutes, 30 minutes, whatever. And I’m gonna just get those in. And was I super excited to do it? No, but I, but knowing what your floor is actually the best place to start is just know what the worst case scenario is and complete that.
And then of course, most Mondays it’s like Brett has planned a little bit better and I didn’t have the slides showed of added. And it’s like, yeah, you get a better workout in. But that Monday is what strings together this streak of I am who I say I am. And if I say that I’m that person and the floor allows me to still walk away feeling like my identity is intact and I still am that person, that’s where we start to rebuild our confidence.
We go from somebody who’s like, I keep saying I’m gonna do it and I don’t do it. For a lot of those people who miss workouts or a lot of people who miss a commitment, it is not because you didn’t have the opportunity to, it just wasn’t gonna look perfect. And because it wasn’t gonna look perfect, you said, screw it, I’m gonna hit the F it button and I’m gonna get a zero.
And those zeroes. I was gonna say we’re very familiar with the IT button. With the IT button. [00:36:00] Yes. So that’s where we can start to stack consistency. And without consistency and momentum, confidence is gonna always feel like it’s fleeting. But if we can focus on constant consistency and momentum, and that comes over the course of a year, you might hit your floor commitment way more than you hit the picture perfect ceiling.
But the floor is what’s continues to move the needle to the next day where you still feel like you’re keeping your commitment. No, I love that. And this kind of leads into this idea about reinventing yourself, so, a addiction recovery is a lot about identity shifting, right?
Like I was saying earlier, I used to be the party girl and then I shifted into sober girl, right? And you talked about, Brett 2.0, 3.0. How does somebody intentionally create a new identity that supports sobriety? That is such a great question. And this could be a really powerful tool for somebody to not necessarily feel like losing [00:37:00] that identity.
Is the end of them. But it actually, it’s not a loss. Yeah, it’s not a loss. It actually creates the space to kind of step into this new identity. And I’m a little bit of a superhero nerd. I some superheroes. Like I watch all the movies. I, and, but my favorite part is like, I could probably watch the first 30 minutes and then be like, I’m good.
I, because I want to hear their origin story. I want to know how did you get the superpower? How did you learn to like use it for good and then you’re gonna go fight the bad guys. That’s okay. I’ve seen that before, but I want to know the origin story. So when I realized that I needed to like cut the alcohol outta my life, there was a huge identity loss of but everybody loves going out with Brett.
Like Brett, I was, again, I was the party guy. And if, like, if Brett walked into the room and we were going out together, everybody was like, yes, it’s gonna be way more fun. ’cause Brett’s there. That was the influence that I had on the people. And I was really nervous about what life was gonna look like without that and.
This story is just so, it, I didn’t know that it was my origin story, but I remember being in a workout. ’cause I had a [00:38:00] workout group on like Saturday or Sunday mornings, and here I am, I’m hungover and, showing up to this workout group because I want to keep my commitment there. But I’m like pouring tequila down my chin and sweat and the workout’s over and I’m kind of staring in this puddle of sweat, feeling terrible.
And I just had this thought come over me and the thought was, if I am so good at motivating people to have a good night, what would happen if I. Started motivating or inspiring people to have a better life. And it was all of a sudden, it wasn’t this thing that I was losing, it just was an opportunity that I could impact people in a different way.
It doesn’t have to be to stay for one more drink. What if it was, Hey, stay, hang on for one more day. What if, instead of it was let’s you know, we’re gonna have the best night ever. What if it was like, Hey, let’s start making our decisions now so we can have the best life ever. And all of a sudden things just opened up for me and I started viewing things, not kind of in a vacuum, but more of.
I have a I still have this skillset, I still have this ability and I just have like, I [00:39:00] don’t know whether it’s a contagious energy. Yes. And I was like, that still can be there. Like, it doesn’t, like don’t lose that ’cause you’re no longer, drinking. But how can I point that in a direction where it not only serves me more, but I can have a bigger impact on the people who are looking for that type of thing.
So all of a sudden, like now all of a sudden, that’s where I was coaching fitness at the time and I started this, like, I started actually this never miss a, like I coached on Monday night and I started this never miss a Monday like theme. And people would fight like crazy to get into my class on Monday because it was just this thing that people were like, well I’m part of the never miss a Monday crew.
I can’t miss that class. I gotta get in. And we’d have wait lists on wait lists. And all the other coaches are like, Brett, what are you doing? Because we can’t fill my class and you’re doing, and I said, I just created this. Community within the community, this community that everybody identified with.
I’m the person who now never misses a Monday. And all of a sudden I started to be like, that’s it, that’s my influence. I’m starting to have this influence over people in a positive way. And guess what? [00:40:00] It is way healthier for me and I’m feeling so much like more impact with myself and I’m being able to have a better, I’m feeling better about it all.
So that identity shift and being able to change your identity, if you can realize that changing your identity can still lead to happiness, can still lead to fulfillment and over the course of a life. I actually think if you’re a changing your identity. Every really, I’m not saying you have to completely reinvent yourself, but to me that’s a sign that you’re evolving, that you’re growing, you’re living multiple chapters of life, as opposed to kind of reliving the same chapter over and over and over.
Exactly. Yeah. You’re really talking about purpose and fulfillment, and I would argue that’s what everybody is looking for. A lot of people, they get sober and then they start. Realizing what they actually like and don’t like, and they get a lot of clarity. Their identity starts to emerge. And they’re, a lot of people are like, okay, well what’s next?
Like, sobriety is the foundation, but they’re seeking purpose and fulfillment. And I know a lot of people find that in doing [00:41:00] service work and recovery communities, and I think it’s really beautiful. I love that. But I’ve also heard you talk about, to get to that purpose and fulfillment, I’ve heard you say you try to find out what holds people back from that, from reaching their potential.
So do you have a process or a method that you use to find out what it is that’s holding people back? Yeah, I have, yes. There’s a couple and one of one of them is called a life inventory. And that life inventory is usually a great place to start. And again, this is not a New Year’s resolution thing.
This is more just a, at any point in time we want to take some inventory of our life. And it’s the part of. It’s the part of habit change and goal setting change and even just vision that I think people miss out on. We live in this world right now that has like a very short attention span.
Mm-hmm. And what we’d rather do is like, I’d rather set goals for next year than think about what went right or wrong this past year. Right. We’re so, we’re so impatient to like get to the next thing before actually looking around and saying, well, what is currently going [00:42:00] right and what is currently going wrong?
And I think that is the missing piece. That if a lot of people spent more time on like inventory, like taking a look at the present moment and maybe even the past year, what went really well and what didn’t go so well that I wanna change, then all of a sudden it gets really clear. So let me give you a couple questions that are usually on there.
So one of them from a personal standpoint is like, hey, what. What was the biggest goal that I had last year that I didn’t accomplish, and why did I not accomplish it? And kind of, try to be brutally honest here. Not from like, oh, I ran outta time, or this got in the way, but like, were we scared to accomplish it?
Were we, did we get distracted? Did we fill our time with something else? Did we not follow through getting clear on that, we’ll make it so that we don’t just have another year. We’re like, that’s the goal. I’m gonna lose the 20 pounds, or I’m gonna stop drinking, or I’m gonna, find a partner.
And it’s like, well, we can’t find a partner if we’re not going on dates. Well, why didn’t I go on dates? ’cause I was scared to get rejected. Okay. Why am I scared to get rejected? Okay, now we’re getting to some actual meat of like, why is what’s actually stopping us? Yeah. And you can tell that [00:43:00] this is where I get really excited because I love the puzzle.
I love the puzzle, I love the puzzle. Yeah. Yeah. You’re deconstructing the fear. Yes. Yes, what is actually preventing us from it. And for some people it’s the fear of failure. For some people it’s the fear of success. So I can’t solve a Rubik’s cube, but I love breaking down this puzzle of figuring out how somebody, what somebody, clicks for somebody, for another person.
Another great question is like, what, where did we spend time that was really draining? Mm-hmm. What people, what environments, what situations or settings did we spend time that drained us and left us feeling like less? And then what environments actually made us feel really good that maybe this next year we could dedicate some more time to that we should spend more time.
So all of a sudden we’re getting a clarity picture around. Mm-hmm. What is actually preventing us for from fulfillment because we think that, oh, if I just do this next habit, it’s gonna lead me to fulfillment. But [00:44:00] taking this inventory and really getting clear on where am I spending my time, that is not making me feel good.
It could even be like, what am I listening to? What friends should I have spent? Do I need to create better boundaries with and spend less time? What is the friend that I, when I talk to or I go to lunch with, I just feel great about myself. Who is that person? How do I get them in my life more often? Where is the, the setting?
And for me, this is where like, I loved going to the bars with my friends, but man, did I hate waking up the next day. It just felt like, man, that was such a waste of a hold. Next day I traded a couple hours for an entire day. Yeah. But then I started to realize. Well, some of those people I actually like to work out with, and if we meet on a Saturday morning, I love hanging out with them.
So it’s not the people that I don’t that are bad for me. It’s the setting which I’m hanging with those people. That’s bad for me. Yeah. So you start to piece together what is the new landscape for. A good foundation of success. How do I win the next year? Or even just win the next month? It’s taking [00:45:00] inventory and it’s no different than somebody who maybe owns a seven 11, like before, you know what, how many sodas you need to order, or chips.
You need to order, you need to know what was sold. So my biggest advice for people is I really believe that they should be taking inventory way more often. Actually pause, have some brutally honest conversations with yourself about what went well, what is not going well, where are you currently spending a lot of time, what are you saying you don’t have time for?
And then maybe doing even a time inventory where that’s always a tough one for my clients as well. Just like, Hey, where are we spending time? And it’s like, man, even just telling somebody they have to track their time, all of a sudden they’re on their phone less. Like just the deal of I have to write this down.
Okay, I’m gonna spend less time on there. So all of a sudden we start to find time, we start to find trends, we start to find, things that are going in the right direction and things that are holding us back. Yeah, I as you were talking, I wrote down, time inventory because that was an exercise somebody had me do recently.
They called it, because we’re in the recovery world, they called it time Drunkenness. Oh, [00:46:00] yes. Where you just, and I was like, listen the Netflix is my last vice, it’s like, don’t be challenging me on my Netflix or TikTok. Right. Those are my, they’re my two. But it’s so interesting because what we’re talking about is sort of like energy management.
Yes. It’s like just having an awareness. Of where my energy is going. And it is, they’re actually PDFs that you can download that have all the times on there, and if you just keep it for a couple days next to you and just use red or green, I found, oh, I like that just isn’t that good like this.
I like, this gives me energy or this drains my energy. Yes. And just for a couple days do like an hourly check-in. Yes. A lot of us kind of live and die by our calendar anyway, so it’d be important to be intentional about, like, and then I feel like a lot of us have a lot of codependency issues, so we’re worried about upsetting, like we put others’ needs before our own.
And I feel like [00:47:00] it’s a sort of a challenge to sort of flip that and make ourselves a priority. I. I love that you just said that because boundaries are huge. Yeah. And I’m gonna circle back to that one year filter. Okay. And if we go back to that one year filter, the reason why the place that I actually think it’s so underrated for how valuable it is.
That codependency type of relationship or that person that I’m gonna let down. And what you realize is that if we had one year left to live, you would not be letting yourself down. You would not waste one day of, if you only had 365 days, there’s no way you’d waste it worrying about what that person thinks of you that is like so minute, or the person that we passed on the street that you’re filming a video on your phone or the person that you’re, that you’re just like worried about what this stranger thinks that stuff would go away.
Yeah. So while it’s hard to really put ourselves into that situation, it is such a great, that’s where I think like us wasting time and realizing, like again, if you said, Brett, this was your last [00:48:00] day on the planet, would I want, would I like be caring what everybody in my phone is doing? Or would I be trying to maximize my day?
So. That’s hard to do over the long term, but that’s why I think coming back to this inventory, and again, I love the time inventory because it just highlights, I’m saying, I don’t have time for these things, but where am I putting time in where like, yeah, you might be a little embarrassed. Like I, I would, I when my screen time pops up or it says, Brett, you’ve been on Instagram for this long already.
I’m like, what? Oh my God, I hope nobody’s looking over my shoulder right now. How are things? How have I just spent that much time on there? Yeah. So it’s a great way to just not let yourself fall into that trap of the person who says, I don’t have time. We all have time. I understand people have different responsibilities.
Yeah. But I have never met somebody that by sitting down and doing some sort of inventory that we haven’t found 30 to 90 minutes in their day somewhere that they can put towards something good. Yeah, a little self-care. Yeah, I hear that a lot too, is like, oh, I don’t have time because I’m really big on self-care [00:49:00] practices.
So whether it’s journaling, meditating, self-reflection type stuff, it’s, sometimes when you get sober there’s a lot of work, a lot of pen to paper type self, and people tell me they don’t have time, and then I’m like, well, how much time do you spend in the evening on Netflix or social media?
Totally. Totally. It takes one of no one. So, the other thing I wanted to ask you about, I was looking at your website, which is fabulous by the way, Brett eaton.com. I’m gonna link to it in the show notes. You talk about the Comfort trap and 12 step parlance, they talk about resting on your laurels.
And that can be really problematic. But you also talk about work life reevaluations. And that kind of speaks to the boundaries that you were just talking about. For a lot of people, we, you get, they get sober and then they do the sufficient substitute thing. But sometimes little other addictions start sneaking in.
And I have found that a lot of people sort of fall to the [00:50:00] workaholism. I myself fall into, I love being busy, I love being inspired and engaged and I wanna serve and all that stuff, but I have a tendency to take things too far. I don’t know if you can relate to that at all. And so, work becomes another thing that I am obsessed about that takes up all my brain space and my relationships are neglected.
So what are your thoughts around sort of reevaluating work-life balance type stuff? I’m with you on there. And I think anybody who is doing there, there are some people who don’t like what they do for work. There are plenty of people who do like what they do for work, and I know people who do like it.
It’s an, it’s easy to be like, well, I just love doing this. Right. I love, if you said, Brett, you have a speaking event every single day, I’d be like, great, this is amazing. Let’s go do that. We, fulfillment comes into this picture is that we often can convince ourselves that we can overflow one bucket and that it’s gonna fill the other buckets.
And this is like the high performers trap where we can [00:51:00] be like, man, I am cruising at work, or work is going so good, or I’m, for a lot of men nowadays, I mean, there’s all these studies on men and loneliness and, just not having the environment. And for a lot of years, men were like, if I just am really successful at work.
I’ll be able to find a partner. People will want to, date me people. Like, it’ll, I don’t have to be healthy in shape. I just like, if I’m really successful and make a lot of money, it’ll fill all the other gaps in. And, guess what? Here comes the millennium. Here comes now, 20, 25, 20 26, rolling around.
Women are doing incredibly well. They’re going to, they’re graduating college at a much higher clipon. Men, all of a sudden they are making a lot more money and they’re looking for partners who are like, I don’t need your money. I want somebody who has some skills. I want somebody who’s healthy. I want somebody who’s fit, who’s, who brings more to the table than just money.
So the reason I say this is conversation is not just for men, but it’s a reminder that. You can be super successful, or just, let’s say you can be really high achieving in one bucket. But a lot of [00:52:00] people will then the unhealthy part of that is trying to overflow that one bucket to make up for these buckets that are lacking and think that it’s gonna leave us fulfilled.
Well, if I just double down on work, I will, I don’t have to worry about, not being happy in my relationship, or if I just make more money, I won’t have to worry about being healthy and fit, because I’ll just, all my confidence will come from making more money. Mm-hmm. It doesn’t, the confidence comes from those buckets equally and it’s I’m not, I actually don’t believe in, they’re like, everything’s gonna be perfectly balanced and we’re gonna, have work life balance.
Right. And we’re gonna, everything’s gonna be, even like time-wise, we’re gonna be able to separate it evenly. I don’t believe that. I believe that there are certain times for, there are different seasons where yes, one bucket is gonna require more. Yeah, but for somebody who is, again, if somebody’s like, this is the year that I’m just gonna get my health back in order, that’s probably gonna take more time and energy.
And maybe you do have a little bit less time for some friends, but understanding, again, back to like the inventory is, well, which of the friends [00:53:00] really leave you filled up? Which of the friends that give you energy and encourage you to keep going towards your goal, versus the friends that are like, why are you exercising so much?
Why do you have to go to that workout class? Why are you ordering the salad? Let’s get the pizza. You realize which of the friends are actually encouraging you to succeed versus the ones that are constantly tempting you to fail and look at environment from a big standpoint. Put yourself in environments and around people that encourage you to succeed rather than tempting you to fail.
Yeah. They say that we’re the average of the five people that we spend the most time with. We begin to, I think it was Harvard and San Diego came together to do a study to talk about how the people that you surround yourself, you begin to adopt their financial status, their beliefs about what they’re capable of and their ideas around relationships.
So it’s, I think environment and community is so important. ’cause you begin to just like subconsciously adopt their beliefs and actions too. So, it’s good to sorta aim a little high and surround yourself [00:54:00] with people who already have what you want. Absolutely. And you gotta know what you bring to the table.
Because I use this example of, you know that I love that theory and that theory is a hundred percent true of you are the people that you surround yourself with. So then I remember being that person of like, okay, well I wanna be a millionaire. So like, why don’t the millionaires want to hang out with me?
And it’s like, you’re broke, Brett. That’s why you’re eating fast food. Like that’s why people don’t want to hang out with you. So there is a little bit of, you need to start to bring something to the table and meaning when I started working with high performing clients, meaning like, I remember the first client that I got and here I am, like my little business and somebody connected me and this person heard me speak and was like, I don’t care who you are, what you are, I wanna work with you.
And his goal was like, I wanna. Be able to afford a private jet. I wanna buy a second house. I wanna do all these things. And here I am being like, this is my chance. Like this is the kind of guy that I want to get around, but why the hell does he wanna work with me? What am I bringing to the table?
’cause I’m not a millionaire. I don’t even know how to make the amount of money [00:55:00] that this guy’s talking about. But I realized he wanted. To be around my energy. Yeah. That was the one thing that his friend group and his people his age did not have. And he wanted me to keep him accountable. He wanted to learn from me and he wanted to be around my energy and he just wanted to start to be accountable to the things that he said were important to him.
So that was my first step into, wait a minute, now he’s inviting me to come speak at his company, and now his company is now surrounding with all these other people who are like him. And all of a sudden I started to adopt this I started to see the path of like, how do you become those people?
Well, that’s what it is. You have to have something to offer. You gotta be something. And to me, the be the best thing that you can offer, the world is your energy. Don’t be stingy with it. Bring it, show up with good energy. Bring like, be the person who raises the thermostat of the room. Don’t be the person who you know, you leave and everybody’s like, oh, finally that person’s gone.
That’s how you start to get. Really, like opportunities will show up for you and you start to change your, you start to get around people who have more money and you start [00:56:00] talking and thinking like them and you start to ask questions. And the other piece of that was, I. Is I understand the fake it till you make it and where that comes from.
And this is gonna be a part about confidence, but the problem with fake it till you make it is that it’s kind of highlighting the fact that we’re being inauthentic. Mm-hmm. Right. And authenticity. And they’ve run studies on the most powerful frequency that a human being could give off is not love.
It’s four times stronger than love. It’s authenticity. Wow. So where you start to actually break in is not by acting like you know all of the money things or you know all of the answers. It’s where I started to raise my hand and be like, Hey, you guys are talking about like the IRA and the Sep I and the stock market.
Can you like explain that to me? And they were like. Oh wow. This guy is actually, he’s like, yeah, sure. I’ll explain it to you. And rather than making me feel bad or teasing me, or being like, you don’t know what A-S-Y-R-A is, all of a sudden I’m learning this information. And that is why like the auten, the authentic energy that I [00:57:00] was bringing to the table was allowing me to get in these circles or these rooms that I was probably the dumbest one, that I was probably making the least amount of money that I was probably.
But what I was bringing was, I’m sure as heck gonna raise the energy of the group. I’m gonna bring good energy and where I can help and where I can share, and where I can maybe give fitness advice or help people in that category. I’m here for you, but I also wanna learn. I wanna learn about money, I wanna learn more about this.
I wanna learn how to invest. How are you guys all? Like how did you start making this money? How do you invest it? How does it compound? I started to learn all of that just by getting myself into the right opportunities. Yeah. No, that’s beautiful. I really love that idea of, when you’re in full alignment with your values you are authentic and you are not afraid to be vulnerable and reveal what it is that you don’t know.
That’s that’s super exciting. Listen, I could talk to you forever. We might have to do a round two at some point. This was so helpful. I do love your energy. That was amazing. If people are interested in working with you, listen, I’m gonna leave a link so that people can get your book. When does your, is it out already or is it on It’s out.
[00:58:00] It is out, yep. Came out in September. Okay. We hit a bestsellers list and we’re just, it’s doing so great. And I’m so proud of it. So yes. Uncomfortable either way is the book, you can get it on Amazon. It’s available at Barnes Noble. It’s available everywhere. I love that. Yeah. We always encourage people to lean into the discomfort.
Yes. Yeah. So this is really good. I’ll leave links to all the things, but Brett, thank you so much for your time today. I took so many notes, I can’t wait to do the recap. Thank you so much. I really appreciate you. This was such a fun conversation, and if anybody out there is looking to have a speaker come in, I do workshops, I do all kinds of things, so please keep me in mind and I would love to do a part two.
That’d be super fun. That’s awesome. Thanks so much. Thanks, Arlina
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