From Elite Athlete to Inmate: The Wake-Up Call That Changed His Life

Choosing Yourself Isn’t Selfish — It’s Necessary

In this episode of The One Day at a Time Recovery Podcast, I sit down with Hakeem Bourn McFarlane to talk about what happens when performance, substances, and distractions can no longer protect us from unresolved pain.

Hakeem shares how the death of his younger brother, years of buried grief, elite athletics, addiction, and eventually incarceration led him to a moment of total reckoning. Sitting alone in a jail cell — without substances, screens, or distractions — he was finally forced to face himself.

What stood out to me most is Hakeem’s belief that recovery isn’t just about abstinence. It’s about returning to our natural state — mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Key Takeaways From Our Conversation

1. Addiction Is About Toxic Consumption
Many people quit drinking but replace it with sugar, gambling, porn, caffeine, or overworking. The substance changes, but the avoidance doesn’t.

2. The Work Has to Happen Before the Trigger
If the inner work isn’t done first, triggers become breaking points. When the work is done, triggers become opportunities for growth.

3. The TEFIC Framework

Triggers – noticing what activates you
Environment – what and who surrounds you
Foundation – sleep, routines, structure
Invest – time, energy, and money into growth
Contribution – giving from overflow, not depletion

4. Community Is Where Healing Accelerates
There’s something powerful about being seen and understood by people who have lived it — not just professionals talking at you, but peers walking alongside you.

Action Steps I Encourage You to Try

Identify one “acceptable addiction” you might be using to avoid discomfort
Build a minimum daily foundation you can keep even on hard days
Journal on this question: What keeps showing up as a trigger in my life — and what might it be pointing to?
Seek connection, not just more information

📚 Books & Resources Mentioned

Connect with Hakeem on Instagram: @bigdreamhakeem

👊🏼Need help applying this information to your own life?

Here are 3 ways to get started:

🎁Free Guide: 30 Tips for Your First 30 Days – With a printable PDF checklist

Grab your copy here: https://www.soberlifeschool.com

☎️Private Coaching: Make Sobriety Stick

https://www.makesobrietystick.com

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Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Amazon Music, or you can stream it from my website HERE. You can also watch the interview on YouTube.

Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-one-day-at-a-time-recovery-podcast/id1212504521

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/4I23r7DBTpT8XwUUwHRNpB

Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/a8eb438c-5af1-493b-99c1-f218e5553aff/the-one-day-at-a-time-recovery-podcast

Transcript:

Hakeem

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[00:00:00] Hakeem, thank you so much for joining me today. Hey, thanks for having me, Yle. Yeah. I’m so excited because this is actually our second conversation. I was on your podcast and I had so much fun because you have such great energy, and I got a pitch email and there was a link to a presenta, a live presentation that you did with some kids, and you had these kids engage, and I was like, I need to talk to this guy because it is like, if you can engage kids, you got something going on.

Yeah. No. Especially nowadays with those dang screen majors, they just addicted to the fake dopamine from the screens screen major. Yeah. Oh my God, I love that. Listen, we’re gonna talk about your story. I feel like you have a really interesting story. Um, you have parents in recovery, you’re in recovery yourself, and you wrote this amazing book called Choose Yourself to Be Chosen.

And you have this little acronym at the bottom. [00:01:00] Um, Jim, grow Your Mind with Inner Size. As opposed to exercise. Mm-hmm. I see what you did there. So I love that. But uh, I do like to start. Yes, it’s for those, uh, on the podcast not watching YouTube. Uh, it’s on, it’s right behind you. It’s amazing. And you got your hat, you got it going on.

But I do like to play a little game called the Lightning Round. Yeah, it’s on your shirt. Your branding. Your branding is impeccable. Got it. Gotta be. Um, but I, I like to play this little game called the Lightning Round to sort of front load the episode with some resources. So I’m curious, um, when you first started addressing recovery, were there any books that were especially helpful to you?

I recovery from life and from addiction, really. Michael Singer’s Untethered Soul. Mm, to control the monkey mind and the annoying roommate in your head, which is the source of all [00:02:00] instant gratification and quick fixes. But I never really dove into recovery from addiction. It was more about enlightenment and figuring out who I was, which then the choices around me aligned with my self worths.

But the books, that’s beautiful. My main books are All Men Should Read The Way of a Superior Man. Outwitting the devil is huge for addiction as well. And then David Goggins book Can’t Hurt Me. Those are top three for me. You know, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m a huge David Goggins fan. I always listened to him when I exercise.

First time I was listening to his book, I was on a bike trying to do a 20 minute warmup. I was on there for two hours. Wow. Was that listening to his book or just watching some of his videos? And I was listening to his book ’cause he’s talking about running with broken legs and pooping on himself and still going.

I’m like, well, I’m inside on a bike. I should not quit now. And so as I’m listening to the book, I’m like, I can’t, I’m comfortable in a gym and he’s out here running a hundred degree heat and [00:03:00] broken shins and blistered toes. I’m like, I am not soft. Can’t hurt. That’s right. That’s right. That’s amazing. I love that book.

Um, as you look over the last 18 months, uh, and I suspect I know the answer to this, but do you have like a go-to mantra, a quote, or an idea that is really kind of like the theme of how you live your life now? Yeah. Fill up your cup and then pull from an overflow. And that’s different for everybody. Now your cup is different than mine.

You may not burn a thousand calories in 70 minutes like I do once a week. You may not wake up at 3:00 AM You may not even get seven hours of sleep. You may not. I don’t go in nature hugging trees, but some people gotta do that every day. Find out what it is to fill up your cup and then not excessively.

When you fill up your cup too much, then it starts to become selfish. So figure out how much you need to get to your optimum performance. But don’t make [00:04:00] choices and neglect your obligations and claim that you’re choosing yourself. So there’s a balance for everybody. Yeah, there is that, uh, saying, you know, t th know and self be true type of thing, but it can’t, you can take that too far for sure.

Progress, not perfection is another comment saying in like, the rooms of recovery. But, uh, yeah, you can definitely take that too far. So I love the idea of balance around that. And do you have a regular, what is, I know you have a self-care routine. Do, do you, is it like a morning routine for you? Is it a set of weekly, uh, meetings?

Like what does that look like for you? Yeah, I got a routine. It’s, it’s extensive and intense, but I’m Okay. Lay on me. Because, because I have, I, the, the thing that I help people find is flexibility in their foundation. And the foundation is your nighttime routine, sleep morning routine without people, screens or toxins.

Include new kids. So for me, I don’t have kids, but I am [00:05:00] addicted to growth development and creating. So getting off the screens is important for me. So the foundation starts with your digital sunset. Then you have a nighttime routine in bedtime, wake up time, morning routine, digital sunrise. So between your digital sunset and your digital sunrise is called the full foundation.

It includes your sleep. So I have 12 hours. Eight to eight, or I can do it in eight hours, which would be like 2:00 AM to 10. Sometimes I work late, sometimes I go out late. I would go from 1:00 AM and I won’t schedule my next meeting till nine, but I have systems to where instead of meditating for 15 minutes, I’ll meditate for two.

Instead of stretching for 30, I’ll stretch for 10. Instead of doing 15 minutes of cardio, I’ll do five. Instead of 45 minutes of waits, I’ll do 15 minute speed round. And so I’ve now, I’ve condensed all my systems down, but I still check the box. And now when I go on vacation. There’s another foundation I do when I’m out on my 20% fun celebrating there’s a different foundation I do.

So finding where, which foundations because this gives you [00:06:00] grace, where if you skip or you go late, you have something to fall back on. It’s not like, oh, I stayed out late. I can’t even wake up and do my routine. You can meditate for two minutes, write things, three things you’re grateful for, stretch and do 10 push.

Don’t lie to yourself, keep the fan on the flame. And the full foundation is how you put gasoline on it. So you can’t, I say do the full foundation twice a week, do your foundation five times a week, but you gotta do it more times than you skip. Yeah. That sort of reminds me of, did you, have you ever read Atomic Habits where they talk about not skipping, it’s better to reduce Yeah, I’ve read that.

The intense, yeah. Yeah, that’s actually really good. Let me just pause you one second. Um, you, are you frozen on your side? No, and not right now. Am I frozen over here? Yeah, when you’ve been talking. No, it’s, uh, it’s uh, oh. No. You’re pretty glitchy. It’s even frozen for most of this. Dang it. No, I’m, we’re clear for here, for my side.

On your side. Okay. All right. Let’s just, uh, let’s just run with [00:07:00] it maybe, um. My concern is we’re gonna have this great interview and we’ll have audio only. That’s that. Maybe, maybe, maybe at the end of it. Ugh. Okay. Well, whatever Do you want, do you want, I mean, do you want me to try to go on my phone? I don’t know if it’s my laptop.

No. I don’t know. Do you have other programs running right now? Yeah, I mean, I can, I can close. I can close that. Maybe if you exit out of some stuff. There we go. It’s closed everything except for this. I mean, I, I don’t know that that’s gonna work. I’m not a tech support person. I spent 10 years selling tech in Silicon Valley, but I only speak geek.

It’s not my first language. I only speak geek. Mm-hmm. That’s funny. Yeah, it was funny ’cause I used to have to try to try to learn all these really technical security system. I was like, try to [00:08:00] cram it in there. Am I still ro Am I still frozen? Yeah, still pretty glitchy. I mean, now you’re moving. I can see you moving around.

Let, let’s just run with it and just see how it goes. All right. The recording might be better. I’ve had that happen where the recording comes out better. Okay. Yeah, well the audio’s great. So that’s, that’s what really matters. Um, so this, I usually ask people, you know, what’s one thing you wish you knew when you first got sober?

And I don’t know that you technically consider yourself sober, but um, on this sort of quest or journey that you’re, this path that you find yourself on in the be, is there something that you wish you would’ve known right from the beginning? Gut health. That’s a huge part of it. Huge part of our, say more about gut health.

Yeah. Well the gut and the mind were combined when you developed in the womb till it was separated by your spine. So if our gut is continuously indulging [00:09:00] toxins, it’s going to look for more toxins. ’cause we’re feeding the parasites. And that’s the, that’s the momentum and the, that’s the. Lifestyle that you’ve now justified by continuously consuming toxins, which is why a lot of people go sober from liquor and get addicted to sugar.

Mm-hmm. They go sober from liquor, they get addicted to gambling, they go sober from drugs, and they get addicted to processed foods, which is no nutrients at all, because it’s not about the substance, it’s about the toxins, the toxic consumption. So until we change our understanding of ourselves and we start to change how we breed ourselves from the inside out, the mind.

Spirit and the gut, then we’re gonna constantly try to find a way to fill that void. Sober. No, not sober. I actually went from two years of not being sober after losing my identity into 18 months of sobriety, and now I embrace the balance of 80% healthy, 20% fun, a hundred percent happy. [00:10:00] Life can’t be redone, but you gotta have the systems in place to replenish and recover.

You gotta bracket your celebration with your foundation, otherwise you didn’t earn it. You just making excuses. So both of my parents are, you know, in recovery, my dad’s 14 years, my mom’s a year and a half. Both my older siblings are also been sober for years as well. And so it’s a gene, but they all smoke cigarettes and vapes and or even got sugar and edibles and so you’re not really sober.

You’re not sober af, you’re just sober from liquor and drugs, which are stimulants, but also so is caffeine. So like, what are we talking? How, how long can you embrace your natural state? That’s what I’m talking about when I say sober natural state. Don’t be adding all that sugar on your yogurt. Don’t put sugar in your coffee ’cause you drink it black.

Why? You need all that extra, extra flavoring. Don’t, don’t be out here eating something sweet every, every time you eat. So. Three times a year, starting January 5th. If you wanna join, you can. It’s free, no sugar, liquor, weed, [00:11:00] porn, nicotine, caffeine. No video games, no gambling, no processed foods, no condiments for 30 days.

You know how many people can do that? Probably 5% of the world. But we have people doing it in the CYC. This is our fifth one, and it changes lives. It really does. That’s really interesting because, you know, um, you know, I looked at everything through the parlance of recovery and you know, 12 step and there is a lot of warnings when people first get sober.

They say, you know, be careful about switching addictions. And what we’re really talking about is using things as distractions from our feelings. And I’m so curious when people go through this 30 days of like no distractions, like from all the things that you mentioned, are there common. Points where people freak out?

Are they looking for other tools to manage? Like all the fears or the anxiety like I would imagine if you’re not distracting, like all the feelings that you’ve been avoiding start [00:12:00] to arise. Like what are, what are you hearing from the people that are going through this process? Well, at first it sucks.

First 48 hours, 72 hours. ’cause now they gotta deal with their kids without coffee. They’ve never done that since their kids were born. Now they gotta not hit the vape after they eat. Now they have to, you know, not put all that dressing on their healthy salad. Now they have to do the life that God created them to do.

So then guess what? All the stuff that we humanly suppressed starts to also get filtered out, and that’s what starts to come up. And so that’s the power of community. So during these challenges we have. One zoom per week. We have a group chat that’s active, and the people in there, the stuff we talk about, like the people are like, oh, I’m struggling with this.

All of a sudden, 15 people, this is what I did. This is what happened. This is what I did. This is what I did. It happened to me. And then all of a sudden you’re like, oh, I tried that. It’s better. But you train and you see the world differently when you know what’s possible. That’s the power of community.

That’s the power of these conversations. That’s the power of stories. So instead of consuming something to [00:13:00] replace the addiction. You’re consuming testimonials, which gives you proof and hope and, and you being able to do something that someone else is doing that’s actually on your fingertips, talking directly to you.

You’re not just looking at reels, YouTube books of stuff that no one’s there. You’re actually talking to people who are literally on day three, just like you are. So we consume each other instead of the quick fixes and devices. But after about, no, I love that there’s, I start the whole, the whole idea, it gets easier.

Right. Yeah, no, I love that. It, it’s, you know, I’ve heard it said that addiction is, is about isolation and connection is the cure. And hearing other people’s stories, like that’s the acronym for hope, hearing other people’s experiences. Right. And it, it does, you know, inspire you to keep going and isn’t that good and process all that.

And, um, what an interesting way to be of service too. Like people are being of service to each other. You know, some are being vulnerable and [00:14:00] sharing what’s really going on and allowing themselves to really be heard and seen and understood. And then just the, uh, service that comes in from the other people.

Service is a great way to, uh, manage your emotions as well too. That’s amazing. Yeah, it’s helped me a lot just having the c yc and. Sorry, I felt like there’s a little bit of a delay, but I was gonna ask you how, let’s talk a little bit about how we got here, right? So you mentioned growing up with parents who had substance use, um, and you have some siblings.

So tell me a little bit about what life was like when you were growing up. Yeah, I grew up half Jamaican, half German, in the suburbs of Minneapolis and Minnesota, or as I like to say, from the Minneapolis to the big apple, because now I’m in Manhattan. But I grew up as an only child really. My siblings were born in Nebraska.

They had a different mom. They were raised by their mom. My dad was a rolling stone, playing in the reggae jazz band [00:15:00] lit. S drugs party, rock and roll music, that was his thing. And you know, I wouldn’t want it any other way. ’cause now we are closer than ever. Once we both found our, our balance and we found our purpose.

And now like he’s one of my spiritual leaders in my life. And without him going through what he went through, he wouldn’t have that knowledge. And so that’s something I try to stay grateful for. Also, fellas, forgive your father, otherwise you’re gonna be hurting your whole life. And then when I was 10. My little brother was born, but he was born with short gut syndrome and leukemia, and we had a diff, he had a different mom.

So for six years I see my mom kind of turn from my mom into nurse slash hospital residence slash research specialist slash his mom. And so I was raising myself with sports teams and extended families, but when I was 16, he passed and. That was my first time experiencing deep grief, and in that day, I buried all my emotions under sports.

I pull, I went to the hospital when I got the call. Mm-hmm. Pulled the plug. Okay. My, my mom’s been doing, [00:16:00] you know, alcohol was, was her thing every night, but she wasn’t deep in the pills until my brother died, and she suffered with anxiety and depression and taking blame for it and all this. And so then mixing the pills and the alcohol, I, I witnessed that.

In my grieving, in my grieving process, seeing her do that, it, it, it created a resentment for the party lifestyle, but I had to keep that strength in front of my mother. I had to keep that strength on my team in my school because I didn’t have an open. Resource to speak to. So I buried it under, I had a resource, but I had the guilt and shame and resentment.

I didn’t wanna talk about how much I should have been there more for my brother. So I just acted like nothing was wrong. I didn’t wanna talk about how painful it was not having my mom around ’cause I didn’t wanna put any blame on her. So then it’s act like nothing was wrong. So I didn’t cry until that very first day.

I didn’t cry up until I got locked up about eight years ago. And. I mean eight years after [00:17:00] that, well, 2016, about 10 years ago. So then when I buried it under sports that day, I went and hopped in a van with my team, played a basketball game. Then I played, I did school sports. Friends, that was it. I was never alone all the way.

Sophomore year, junior year, senior year. But the thing is, when I, when I hit that switch, I turned anger onto the field. I got really good. So I got a D one full ride. I was really good because I was so angry and didn’t wanna go alone. I was at the gym, running, sprinting, shooting game practice, finding something to do.

Never sit down, never act like something’s wrong. Dunk the ball home. Run. Run the ball. Catch a touchdown. Look at me. I’m great. Look, I’m great. Y’all look. But the thing about creating that fake character is when the people that you created it for aren’t there anymore, and you go into a new environment. Now the deep, the depths, the true character comes to surface.

’cause when you get outside your comfort zone, it’s the work you do in solitude that you lead with. Right, [00:18:00] so I didn’t do the work. I had this huge image created for my teammate, my school best player in the school, pop, most popular guy. All this extra stuff I created that I was living up to, that kept me from facing what was in inside suppressed deep down in my emotional safe when I got to my first college and DSU, them boys party out in Fargo, I’ll tell you that.

So I started drinking. That was not a good idea. Every drink was a crack on that safe. And I got my anger started to over spill into sports and my team and my coaches and I didn’t wanna take direction from anybody older than me, but I was the best one now. Okay. I was also very egotistical because I had gotten all these accolades leading up to that and.

So I ended up sabotaging and I ran from D one, just like I ran from senior year basketball. Ran from track, ran from the hospital, ran from my pain, I ran from my full ride, then I went D two, then I got another full ride, ran from that and eventually God’s like, yo, you not supposed to be running, you’re supposed to [00:19:00] sit with it.

Boom. ACL first play, first game. Now I’m out. Ooh, now I’m out for the season. So then I go deep into partying. I was dabbling between partying, sports. I had the mask of sports. I had the, the partying for numbing if I wasn’t in sports. Then when the mask was gone, I went deep into partying for four weeks, four weeks after that, got into a fight, first degree assault felony, 20 years probation, 86 months over my head and my first crime ever on my birthday when I was on crutches.

I don’t care if you call it fair or not, I was in a white town, whatever. They did what they did. So then I got kicked outta that school and showing in, in about five months. After high school, I had a felony, one knee surgery, and I was kicked outta school. Two schools. And so in that year, I went deep into numbing, started partying, started blacking out in the black market, doing what I had to do, had four more knee surgeries, and eventually I got to a trigger point where I had to choose myself or else I was gonna be prison, jail or dead.

[00:20:00] I mean prisoner dead or in a hospital. So I went back to school, pulled myself out with sports. Played four years at D three, now got all American. Was going to play arena football, but my probation officer said I couldn’t go out of the state because I had a felony from six years ago. So now I’m like, okay, then I broke my ankle.

Now my dreams, my mask is gone now. I balanced numbing in the off season mask during the season, all through college D three, all the way up to try to go back to these dreams. I’m gonna do it for my brother. Broke my ankle probation restrictions. Now I’m going back into the dark place. I wasn’t even worse.

This time I’m talking about overloaded substances from morning to night for two years straight. And you’re not supposed to be doing that, okay? When you’re, when you’re supposed to be healing, especially when you have injuries. And then eventually I got into a situation where my boy snitched on me. So I did eight months, found a way to numb, got out for 30 days.[00:21:00]

Went back in, got a D Dub. So I went back for a second, eight months, and at the second eight months, the whole jail shut down. So I was forced into sobriety finally. Mm-hmm. And in that first eight days, no pen pad, no book, just me and myself. First day withdrawals, second day anger, third day trying to fit in with everybody else, gang banging on the block.

Fourth day the Choose Yourself process was born. Accountability, connecting to a higher self. Touchdowns are gone. Your girl’s gone. Your dad can’t come get you. Your money’s gone, your health is gone. What the hell are you doing finally? So I did 25 pushups, 25 sit-ups every 15 minutes between first and third meal.

’cause I didn’t wanna do ’em after third meal because then I’d be hungry in the middle of the night. So I did that for five days. By myself in the cell, couldn’t shower. My lips was chapped. Throat was chapped. But the only way to get me to force to be present was to expand my comfort zone with exercise. Mm.

So now fitness is my way to force myself into being present, but it also turns into something that’s dis that’s [00:22:00] uncomfortable. Cold shower, fasting, stretching, sprinting, cardio, heavy weights, meditating, getting up on time might be uncomfortable for some people. So finding ways to do things that are uncomfortable.

And then in that process it took, it was a pendulum swing of two years of in the black market and then 18 months of sobriety, personal development every day. And I went from staying out till 6:00 AM waking up at two, bartending at five, to eventually waking up at 9:00 AM and I partnered with my uncle who had a liquor company.

So I had been 10 years in the liquor industry, so I started selling liquor. Instead of drinking it. So I went from drinking spirits to selling spirits, to uplifting spirits. And in that personal development, as I filled up my cup, I overflowed into business. I crushed it in sales. We had top in the, in the state.

And then I moved to New York City. And then when I moved to New York City, that cup shut down. So now I’m just out here by myself, butt naked in the wind. What, what am I gonna do? Same thing I did on the eight [00:23:00] days. I’m gonna choose myself with radical accountability systems and fitness and the foundation.

And that’s when Choose Yourself was born. That was about 2021. That’s amazing. I’m, I’m so curious. Um, you saw you had some exposure to like 12 step programs and things like that. Uh, did that early exposure kind of turn you off to it? Well, I was in, when I did that second months, I had therapy and treatment mandatory by the court, and those both helped.

What kind of, uh, what kind of therapy? Just one-on-one therapy. Just like cognitive behavior. I just talk therapy. Yeah. Yeah. And that was my first time talking about my brother was with him. Wow. How old were you when he passed away? 16. Oh, you’re so young. Yeah, I was 16 and then my first time talking to him, I was, I mean, talking about him was, was that 24?

Wow. So you were really processing your grief from your brother’s death? [00:24:00] Yeah. Between sports and partying, I didn’t deal with it at all. When I was playing sports, everybody thought I was fine. When I was partying, I didn’t have to deal with it. And I could still act fine ’cause I was in party mode. And so yeah, there was not much solitude or conversation and that, that’s why now I say you come talk to the CYC with people who have been through things similar to yours.

Not people who. Are certified and all this and trying to tell you how to feel. No, we understand you. ’cause we’ve been through it and our we’re vulnerable too. We’re not just a therapist. We’re not just a coach. We’re literally self choosers in a group talking about the same things. Yeah. There’s something about, I remember hearing this guy talking about the power of talking to a peer, right?

Like, you know, one alcoholic talking to another. He told me when someone is talking down to me. I can’t hear anything, but when I’m talking to somebody eyeball to eyeball and I know that they get my kind of pain, there’s something magical that happens. It’s like really feeling seen and heard and understood for the first time.

There’s, there’s something [00:25:00] magical that happens in those interactions. I agree. Yeah, I agree. That was very helpful though. I tell people like, you talk to somebody ’cause you’ll learn a lot about yourself. Yeah. Yeah, that’s beautiful. Tell me about the process. So writing a book is no easy fee.

Congratulations on your book. Um, tell me about the process of writing it and maybe what you, maybe it, it’s interesting when writing a book, it sort of clarifies some, some ideas you learned more about yourself. What was that like for you? Yeah, I mean it was in that second eight months that I started writing it and I really just, when I was able to.

Categorize my life into five chapters was the first time I was like, oh dang. I’ve been through a lot seeing it all in print for the first time. I was like, what the dang, oh, and then I started checking these victim hold boxes like only child, oh my God, the school is racist. Oh, the judge felon. That was a wrong punishment.

Oh, my injuries, all my dad and [00:26:00] blah, blah. And then I’m like, God, that is annoying. That is my internal dialogue. Now, I didn’t talk to people about it, but that was the reason why I didn’t. Really have compassion for people because I didn’t want to hear it for myself. So when people start complaining, I’m like, boohoo, because when I’m complaining, I said, Boohoo, get over it.

You better take a shot or play some sports. And so until I was able to process it, I wasn’t able to be compassionate. But that was when it was born. And so throughout those years, from 2018 up until last Christmas was when I wrote it, I finished it. I had been taking notes. Everything. I would learn something about myself and I go back into a chapter and take notes on it.

Learn something about from reading books and I go back a chapter and be like, oh, I was doing that dang bullet point. It was all bullet point. And then on Christmas Eve and Christmas, I knocked it out 12 hours each with my co-writer and just banged it out. A whole book in, in two days. A lot of notes and a lot of organization.

But it was, it was a eight year process of me figuring out until I was like, [00:27:00] I’m at 12 chapters and I got about, you know, 20. 20 pages on each chapter of just notes, bullet points, facts, and then going into this development of content where I’m using poetry. And I combine the two into, into my book. And it’s only 88 pages, so it’s not, it’s 12 chapters, 88 pages.

And it’s really like a few pages about my story, a page about principles, and then a page about reflection. For yourself, for you to write your own story. So it’s a real short book. I’m obviously, I’m gonna come out with the whole series, but, um, it’s just foundational material for me. My, my vulnerability, my authenticity.

But then I, I realized when I wrote it, I was able to walk as myself, even around people who haven’t read the book, just ’cause I know who I am. Now I don’t have to worry about, oh, what are they? Oh, if they, oh, I’m like, I understand. I get it. And if anybody got something to say, read the book. Read the book.

[00:28:00] Yes, read the book. We’ll definitely leave links to the book too. Um, you mentioned, um, when, when we did our little pre-chat, you mentioned there were five pillars. Can we go over those pillars? Yep. Yep. Te, T-E-F-I-C. That’s gonna be a new text coming out soon. Triggers Environment, foundation, invest Contribution.

So your triggers is what activates the process. Whenever something bothers you, you need to identify what part of you is unhealed. Big part of that comes from going into your story and finding your power in the pain. But did you do the work before the trigger? Now, if you did not do the work before the trigger, the trigger will put you back into a version that resembles the traumatic or the, or the abuse or the neglect from your past until you do the work on your past.

Then all of a sudden, the trigger point is not a breaking point, it’s a turning point. ’cause then you can evaluate who triggered me. And then the next [00:29:00] phase is your environment. Okay, now who did it? What did I consume? What was said? What’s around me? How did I get there? So you can evaluate if you can be aware of the trigger, if you don’t evaluate, if you don’t, if you’re not aware of the trigger, then it becomes, you become reactive, and now you’re just stuck in that version that somebody made you.

Yeah. The next, the next pillar is foundation, which what we talked about, nighttime routine, sleep, morning routine. This is our place of control, our place to embrace discomfort, our place of structure. It’s the golden nugget in your life. This is where we are able to evaluate our environment and reflect and journal, which is why we keep time in our foundation.

We don’t say, oh, next week on Tuesday, I’m just gonna skip my foundation. Well, what if something happens on Monday? You need your Tuesday Foundation so it don’t linger into Wednesday. Now, you done inspired and got fired and snapped on your kids by Thursday. Now you overdosed on Friday. See? Mm-hmm. You need the foundation.

It’s the buffer between yesterday’s emotions and tomorrow’s intention. [00:30:00] Now, the fourth pillar. The fourth pillar is that’s why the screens go down. The fourth pillar is invest time, energy, money into yourself. Mm-hmm. And it’s not just, it’s not just who you share your time with. It’s about how you invest your time to give yourself more time.

At the end of your life, are you, is your choices instant or delayed? Because you could play with your life, but it can’t be replayed. Now the the difference, the difference is I feel if we do majority of the focus intention, 80%, there’s a 80 20 principle book as well. If we do four times the amount of destruct, destruction and sabotage, we’ll be able to keep that momentum linear.

But the moment you start going below 20%, now it starts to detract, distract you from the goalpost that your intention was at first. So [00:31:00] the first, the first pillar is the identifier where you’re like, okay, time to hit the process. The next three are interchangeable. Whether you’re gonna invest first, you’re gonna set the foundation first, you’re gonna evaluate what are you gonna do after those four are complete.

Now you contribute from the version that is birthed from those four. Mm-hmm. That’s the C. And this process never stops. It never stops. And there’s professionals around the world who, when they tell their story, I’m like, oh, that’s the te. They’re like, this is what I do when I go through something. I’m like, that’s the te They say different words and different stuff.

We talk about Jesus. Are you Christian? Me? Yeah. Um, I am agnostic. I would say I love me some Jesus, but Well, you, I love all kinds of things. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So religion is, is. Focuses on the differences. Spirituality focuses on the similarities. Yeah. Now, yeah, when we talk about spiritual leaders, any leaders, [00:32:00] they all implemented the, because in order to lead, you have to be a self chooser.

’cause you gotta choose yourself over non-believers. That’s what the whole thing is. You’re gonna have non-believers, you’re gonna have people in your hometown, you’re gonna have investors shut your stuff down, you gonna have all this. And if that triggers you, you didn’t do the work. If it redirects you into, okay, how do I evaluate, how do I invest in myself into my foundation time, energy, resources, to then increase my awareness and authenticity and ability to produce at a higher clip?

Then I go back next year, maybe to the same person or maybe to the person above them as a new version. But if it triggers you and discourages you from going the way that you know you’re supposed to be going, then now you live in a societal norm and you’re creating a character for them and not your character for you.

Yeah. Yeah, it’s a process. Yeah. There’s a, I like to say that there’s a treasure under every trigger if we can just kind of lean into it and see what needs to be healed underneath. Yeah. I love [00:33:00] that. This is amazing. Um, you’re so young and you have been through so much, and I really feel like you have such a powerful message.

I, I love seeing. I’m old and I tend to talk to a lot of other people who are old, so I love seeing that you don’t look old. I thought we were the same age. I’m telling you, uh, alcohol free living is good for your skin. If nothing else, um, health. Yeah. Right. But, uh, I, I just love your, your passion for what you’re doing, and every generation needs to hear the message in a new, in a new way, right?

So I just love how. You recognize that, you know, the components are different, but at the end of the day, sort of the message is, is very familiar, right? So everybody needs to do the, the topic for sure. Um, I’m curious, where can people find you, uh, join your programs. Where’s the best way [00:34:00] for people to get hold of you?

Yeah, choose yourself. Dot Info is the website, but my book is on Amazon. Barnes and Noble, choose yourself to be chosen. My socials is Big Dream Hakeem, and the big dream is to help you live yours. We tap in the CYC Choose Yourself community every Tuesday, Tuesday. 10:00 AM EST to GY, and that’s grow your mind.

So just DM me, I’ll send you the link. We got a one week free trial and we do two retreats a year. Next one’s in Costa Rica, June 18th. Implement the Choose Yourself process, embrace your story, set the foundation for the dream life you want, and then work on your art of connection from the version that’s developed through the, and so that’s also available, but got the podcast and audio book dropping soon.

Oh my gosh. I, I love the work that you’re doing. Um, listen, I could talk to you all day, but I really appreciate your time and your energy and the work that you’re doing. Ollie links to all this in the show notes and, uh, thank you so much for hanging out with me today. Thank you, [00:35:00] Arlena. Keep choosing yourself.

You look great. Hope you feel as good as you look. Thanks.

Choosing Yourself Isn’t Selfish — It’s Necessary

Key Takeaways From Our Conversation

Action Steps I Encourage You to Try

📚 Books & Resources Mentioned

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