Hey Everybody,
Thank you for downloading the podcast, I hope you’ll leave inspired. Make sure you subscribe to get new conversations about recovery every week.
Today’s guest is Erin Khar, the author of Strung Out – One last hit and other lies that nearly killed me, she also writes an advice column called Ravishly where she tackles issues like, “My husband is abusive and I think it’s my fault” and “I’m confused about my sexuality” or questions like ““Can Ex’s be friends?”
Sounds juicy right?
If you’d like to check out her writing or get in touch with Erin, all her contact info is below:
Website: https://www.erinkhar.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ErinKharAuthor/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/ErinKhar/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/erinkhar/
Book: https://www.amazon.com/Strung-Out-Erin-Khar/dp/0778309738Advice Column: https://ravishly.com/ask-erin-0
Before we jump into the interview, I wanted to talk to you about how to rebuild self-esteem after we get into sobriety. Rebuilding self esteem in recovery is so vital, especially for those of us who did things under the influence that we still carry shame about. So that’s basically everyone in early recovery, right? In all honesty, we all do things even in sobriety that we feel guilt and shame about so I’m going to share some things that helped me and will hopefully help you too.
The reason it is so important, is because how you think of yourself dictates the quality of your life. I have learned that we only allow into our lives what we feel we deserve, so if you are subconsciously carrying around a bunch of guilt and shame, then your internal dialog is through that lens of “guilty and wrong” which is absolutely harmful to your well being. It’s self abuse, and you cannot escape your abuser when its you, right?
I’ll give you a personal example. For a while early in recovery, let’s say the first 10 years, I was not great at balancing my checkbook. There was one incident, when money was really tight, (that’s when it happens, right) and I wrote some checks and like 5 bounced, and the bank charged $35 for each overdraft. So I already didn’t have enough money, and how I just racked up an additional $175 in bank penalties.
Any guesses what I said to myself? Yeah, it was not good. I remember feeling the burning of shame that came over me, the heat from the tears that instantly welled up behind my eyes and almost like a second wave, the intense self hatred and disgust.
How could I have done this AGAIN?! I could I be so fucking stupid?! I’m such a fucking idiot… and on and on it went.
Have you ever felt like that? What did you do? My initial reaction was always to call my friend Julie and cry about it. She listened and consoled me and reminded me I’m human, that I could learn from this and that it didn’t have to happen again. I did calm down and eventually moved on, but the residual of that experience left behind a belief about who I thought I really was, like an invisible scar. A belief that was not entirely true. The truth is, I wrote hundreds of checks. And out of those hundreds of checks only a few bounced. If it was a test, I’d still get a B! But what I did to myself was complete annihilation. Over a mistake. A mistake I made because of a simple shortcoming from a lack of mindfulness, a lack of coping skills where I spent money as a coping mechanism instead of just feeling my feelings. Did I deserve to abuse myself for not having good coping skills? Of course not, that’s what got me into this cycle in the first place. But that’s what we do. We make mistakes out of some sort of mindlessness, or avoidance and then beat ourselves up for it, then expecting ourselves to move through life perfectly afterwards.
It’s like expecting someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. It’s insanity, right? So what is the solution? It’s learning how to rebuild self-esteem so that when we do make mistakes, we are not triggered into harmful internal dialog.
I’m going to give you 2 simple practices that will help you rebuild your self esteem quickly.
- The 3 step morning self care ritual
- Willingness Calls
At first blush you may be tempted to dismiss these practices, but I’ll just suggest that you try it because what feels right to you now, is probably what lead you here in the first place, so just set aside what you think you know for the moment.
The first practice is a 3 step DAILY morning self care ritual – This is HUGELY important because it sets the intention for the day.
Step 1) It starts with a simple prayer, asking for help, that our thinking be divorced from self pity, selfishness and self centeredness, and to be helpful to others.
Step 2) Write down at least 3 things you feel grateful for
Step 3) Identify 3 specific things that would make the day great
Then the second practice is leveraging the power of being in service to others. I call it willingness calls and you make at least 3 calls per week. A willingness call is where you call to check in on others to see how they are doing, and you share a little bit about what’s going on with you so you establish connection. Alcoholism is a disease of isolation, so connection is the cure. When we feel connected, a few things happen. First we build self esteem because we demonstrate care, love and compassion. We start to remember our goodness. We also invite other people to call US. When I need to talk, I call someone I’m in the habit of talking to who is already current with my life. And I’ll add one more thing, although there are many more, is that we begin to build a support system for ourselves and others. We also call it community. There is no doubt, we are stronger together.
This is just the tip of the iceberg of an online class I teach called “Reinvent – It’s a 6 week online Self-Esteem course.” If you’d like to learn more, just visit selfesteemcourse.com. Registration for the next class will be starting in a couple weeks, so get on the waiting list now because class fills up fast.
This is just the tip of the iceberg of an online class I teach called “Reinvent – It’s a 6 week online Self-Esteem course.”
If you’d like to learn more, just visit selfesteemcourse.com.
Registration for the next class will be starting in a couple weeks, so get on the waiting list now because class fills up fast.
My guest today knows a lot about rebuilding self-esteem. Erin shares how she became addicted to heroin at 13, and all she had to go through in order to be where she is today. She is a recovery advocate, she speaks publicly to end the stigma of addiction and she is a shining example of transformation, which is truly a miracle.
So without further adu, Please enjoy this wide ranging conversation, with Erin!
Leave a Reply