Losing Mom: 10 Lessons Learned

10 Lessons Learned from My Mother’s Passing

My Mother’s name was Aida Z. Messersmith. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer of 10/12, and passed on 11/3.

1 – I can do hard things sober: I was able to give narcotics to Mom and stay sober. I still had crazy thoughts, but didn’t have to act on them. And I was able to be there for my Mom when she needed me the most.

2 – I can be around challenging family members, and still stay sober.

3 – I made some big mistakes: I have loads of tools, but I still lashed out a couple of times.

I felt hurt by people who offered help, then refused it. I took to social media to vent and I used a bad word.

I regret using it for two reasons:

1) it was hurtful and I own that 100%. No excuses.

2) They were able to point to that, and use it to scold me in a “sympathy” card the day after she died w/o addressing what she did to hurt me in the first place. I talk about speaking your truth without blame or judgement and I totally failed on that account.

4- Recognizing my go-to coping skill is still anger. For me, it’s easier to feel that self righteous anger, rather than helpless, vulnerable, grief and sadness. Anger is loud, all consuming and a great distraction from my pain. This is what I know about anger: its a sign of an unmet need and it does more damage to the vessel that carries it. As I went through this process, I connected with a counselor that I see regularly and that was hugely helpful. I also have many friends who get me and allowed me to vent. They would validate my pain, love me and it allowed me to process my anger and sadness.

5 – Speaking of my support system, I will be forever grateful for those who showed up for me so consistently, and with so much love and compassion. A special thanks goes out to the Williams family who brought us food, picked up prescriptions for Mom, sent messages of love, and even bought the bunny costumes for Mom’s last Halloween party. Well, her last party really. So thank you Stacy, Sherry, Kevin and Kerry. We love you all dearly.

6- What was comforting to me:

I heard over and over again, “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do.” I know most people meant it, but honestly, there wasn’t much anyone could do. I would say the most comforting things were cards, flowers, food, and text messages that simply said “Do you need anything from the store?” and things “I don’t have any words, but I wanted to check in on you and tell you I love you”. That last one was big. I would get messages when I was struggling with sadness or self doubt, and in those moments, I did NOT feel alone. I knew that I was being thought of, prayed for and supported. It really helped me more than I can say. Thank you to all of you who took the time to reach out. You’re in my heart forever.

7 – There are different ideas about what being “strong” means in a situation like this. I think most people think of being strong as being unfeeling so you can get things done. Or avoid being sad to allow others to be sad. I don’t actually have any judgement towards that perspective, but I was also considering another perspective, which is that it actually requires strength for me personally to allow the feelings of vulnerability, sadness and grief. What I’m finding out is that its easier for me to allow those feelings when I feel safe and in private.

8 – Forgiveness & Acceptance

I want to frame this lesson I am learning with a quote: Too big for worry, and too noble for anger – “Noble: having or showing fine personal qualities or high moral principles and ideals.” 

I watched how my mother conducted herself in friendships over the years, and she had an uncanny ability to make people feel special. I think it was because she had an ability to see past shortcomings and just appreciate the good. In short, she practiced forgiveness & acceptance. She would let go of disappointments, and just accept people for who they are. It was an honor and privilege to watch and I hope to emulate her in those ways.

8 – There is no “later”

This all happened so fast, that I haven’t had time to process it all yet. But what has become crystal clear is that now is all we have. Just this present moment and I need to spend my time doing work that is most important to me, and stop with all the distractions.

Since I left corporate last year, I’ve been juggling a lot of projects:  hypnosis and coaching, the podcast, teaching self esteem classes, managing social media groups, marketing, and writing a book. 

Jim Collins wrote a book called “From Good to Great”, and in it he said “If you have more than three priorities, you don’t have any” 

I’ve been attempting to write a book off and on for years, and so now, I’m not doing anything else, except the podcast, until I’m published. I’ve hired a team to help me so now I can focus on my top priority, outside of friends and family.

9 – My incredible husband Bob and my Aunt Arlina

From the time we found out, right up to present day, my husband Bob has been 100% my rock. He cooked us dinner, let me cry wrapped up in his big arms, and he even wore a bunny suit on Halloween to make my mom smile. He would come over at 3am to move my mom because my aunt and I weren’t strong enough towards the end. As broken-hearted as he is, he was always there for me. I can’t imagine this life without him.

My mom’s sister Arlina came from Mexico City as soon as she heard. She was there for my mom, literally 24/7. It would have been 1000x harder if she were not there. In the end, it was her that encouraged me to do the release hypnosis with Mom that finally allowed her to let go. It was because of her that I was alone with my mom when she passed. It was the singular most precious moment of my life and I owe it to her. 

I love you Tia.

10- Gift of Gratitude

My mom was always talking about how lucky she was, how lucky we were, to be so very blessed. She counted her blessings ALL-THE-TIME. 

I got to bear witness to my mother saying goodbye to so many people. She would ask me to call her friends and I’d hold the phone for her. They were so sad, but so beautiful. They’d share memories of talks during difficult times and how special it was to not feel alone. They talked about all the fun and all the laughter too. 

Listening to those goodbyes changed me forever. The lesson was so crystal clear in those moments: That in the end, all that matters is love. We truly are, just walking each other home.