In 2023, I attended the SheRecovers event in Miami and was present for some amazing speakers. Dr. Dawn Nickel said the weekend would be transformative, but I had no idea how right she would be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As it turns out, it was my inner validation junkie that would be transformed (AKA People Pleasing). That part of me that is always seeking outside myself for approval. It’s like an exhausting task master that never allows me to feel accomplishment or contentment. There is always more to do, there is never enough time, the work is never good enough and it constantly beckons me to \u201ctry harder\u201d to reach a moving finish line. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Do you have that voice too? If you do, I\u2019m hoping what I learned could help you as well.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Here\u2019s the question that came up for me as I processed what I was hearing at the event: What if all the validation and approval I ever wanted is inside me right now? What if there\u2019s a bunch of different versions of me all approving of me and validating me right now? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know it sounds weird, but hear me out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I realized that this idea could actually be true in a way. Every day I have been on this planet is a version of myself that exists in the space time continuum. Abraham Hicks calls it \u201cThe Vortex ”. Deepak Chopra calls it the field of possibility. A place where all versions of me exist simultaneously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
To take this idea further, my soul is immortal and there are limitless expressions of that soul that always was and will always be, even after my earthly personality expires. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So here\u2019s what I\u2019ve concluded: <\/p>\n\n\n\n
1 – These versions of me are real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
2 – They are all inside me and in the quantum field at the same time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
3 – They see the truth about me and they think I\u2019m amazing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That\u2019s the short cut, but let me go all the way around to explain how I came to this conclusion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It started with a terrible attack of envy a couple weeks before the event. A friend and colleague has posted on social media about a tremendous milestone she had achieved. Her work is resonating with a large number of people and she is helping lots of people. That\u2019s what I have been trying to do for several years and she\u2019s doing better than I am by all measures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I saw her post about it, I was in awe of her and then immediately felt myself go into a shame spiral. I started comparing my work to hers. I started having all kinds of thoughts like, \u201cAll my work is crap, I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m doing, I\u2019m not focused enough, I don\u2019t have the gifts and talents she has, I\u2019m not helping anyone. I\u2019m a total loser. I\u2019m a failure\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ouch.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My rational mind knows that isn\u2019t really true, but I had to reach out to my support network to process my feelings. Of course, I had to look at why I was comparing myself and what my motivations are for doing the work I do. I had to admit that a big part of the shame spiral comes from seeking external validation to feel good enough to be worthy of love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Fuck, why does it always have to come back to this!?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It always comes back to this because that\u2019s how my brain is hardwired. I didn\u2019t get the nurturing, protection and security I needed as a little girl, so I have been programmed to seek it outside myself. That\u2019s what I\u2019m working with. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
To add more context, I had another transformative experience about 3 years ago when my Mother suddenly passed away from cancer, 22 days after her diagnosis.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
After she died, I realized just how uniquely amazing she was. I loved my Mom and we did have a great relationship for many years, but there was always a block inside me that prevented me from really seeing how incredible she was. It was the anger and resentment I was subconsciously holding onto that she wasn\u2019t how I needed her to be when I was little.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My desire was that Mom would have been more protective and nurturing. I had been repeatedly sexually abused by an older neighbor child starting at the age of 5. She saw it happening once and she completely freaked out. I remember she got very angry and there was a lot of yelling. It was incredibly traumatizing. I secretly believed that deep down, she blamed me and that I was a bad person. And that the only way to get her approval was through achievement.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mom didn\u2019t know how to help me process my feelings at that time, so I was left alone to deal with them on my own. The negative conclusions I came to about my value were extremely painful and detrimental to my identity. These painful experiences and misunderstandings of my value colored the lens through which I saw myself. They lead to limiting and self defeating patterns that I carry even today.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My brain\u2019s Default Mode Network (or operating system) has been set. This is the hard-wired neural baseline to which I return over and over again. Without the daily practice of mindfulness, active self-forgiveness and self-compassion, I automatically revert back to old behavior patterns of over-achievement, then eventual collapse and burnout.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
However, I wonder if I change my perspective and observe myself the way I now experience my Mom, would I feel the same about this current version of myself? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So this is where the idea of all the other versions of myself comes in. What if they are all crying out, \u201cYou are enough! Don\u2019t wait until you die to see how uniquely amazing you are!\u201d Maybe if I really let that feeling over internal validation be enough, I could stop struggling with the never ending list of tasks I need to achieve in order to feel content.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I miss my Mom. She was flawed, sure like we all are, but she was also so uniquely amazing. I\u2019ve never met anyone who actively chose to be happy the way she did. Growing up she used to say to me\u00a0 \u201cWe all have the power of choice\u201d but I didn\u2019t understand what she meant. She meant that we had the power to choose what we focus on. What we wanted to feel, who we wanted to be and what we experienced. Just like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, we could come home to the pure self, the lovable self, the worthy self, with a simple shift of focus.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I keep coming back to the idea that there are limitless versions of me and they all see me the way I now see my Mom. I only care about the good parts of her. That\u2019s what matters to me now. That is her gift to me. Since I can now see the truth about her, I can now see the truth about me and focus on the good that is within me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
That is how my internal validation junkie is getting healed, and I hope yours can be healed too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’m hosting a free “Self-Love” Challenge on Instagram – Follow me on Instagram @arlinaallen for daily action steps to improve your self-love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n